The Joyride - A JoyRi fanfic

Chapter 9 - Joy's Realization About her Anger

"Hello Joy, how are you today?" Dr. Kim invited Joy into his office with a kind smile.

"I'm... I'm okay... Better than last time, I guess" Joy replied with a shy smile.

"Oh good to hear! Okay, have a seat then, heh... Do you want something to eat or drink?"

"No, no... I'm good... I had a big meal before coming here heh..."

"Oh, okay... So, if you're okay with it... Let's get started right away, shall we?"

"Let's!"

"Okay, so last time we've discussed the following: Sungmin and Yuna. Then we started to discuss Yena and in the end we talked about your sleeping pattern." Dr. Kim recapped.

"Yes"

"Okay, so.... regarding your sleep, how has that been for you for the last week?"

"Actually... Better. I mean, I still have nightmares but at least I go to sleep during nighttime and I wake up after six to seven hours of sleep so... Yeah... Better."

"Okay, more sleep, that's good, I'm glad to hear about that... But, the nightmares, wanna talk about those first?"

"Sure... Uhm... Well, basically, they are flashback sequences to my time in Seoul and all that has happened there, just a bit more colorful and vibrant... but basically just flashback sequences."

"Oh, so very realistic nightmares?"

"Yeah, things that actually happened... but you know, maybe I hear some scary background music from time to time or the colors get darker... You know, stuff like that..."

"Okay. So exploring those nightmares will be good for our session if we want to connect the root of the problem to the nightmares you're having... And since they are realistic "flashback sequences" like you've mentioned, it would probably be best if we continued from our last session so that we both get a clearer picture of the whole event, okay?"

"That makes sense." Joy beamed brightly. Doctor Kim really gets it. I love how he just connects the dots and incorporates my thoughts and feelings in there, always taking everything into consideration and keeping up with everything. He seems really good at his job and he seems really kind. Joy mused. The doctor then continued:

"Okay, so last time we talked about Yena and we stopped at..." Dr. Kim then checked his notes and then added:

"Ah, right here - you said you two slept together. But only slept slept, not anything else, correct?"

Joy nodded her head.

"Which bothered you because you felt like you were being used as someone who had to listen to her even though you thought there was some chemistry between you two and you expected something more?"

"Well yes... But when you put it like that, it feels like I might've wanted to "use" her as well..."

"Well... Did you?" the doctor leaned back, proud of Joy's self-discovery.

"I don't know. I mean. At that point in time I felt like we had a connection, she was giving me very mixed signals - from very close dancing to light touches to long gazes.... But she could also be cold and distant at times and then when she said she wanted us to go to her place... Only to talk about her exes... Yeah, I felt angry a bit... And used!"

"That's good! Acknowledging your feelings is good!" The doctor commended her.

"But why, doctor Kim? Why did I feel angry? Was it justified?" Joy sat there, her eyes wide, slowly building up with waterworks.

"I don't know... Why do you think you were angry?"

"Huh..." Joy sat there for a couple of moments. "I guess because I thought I deserved better treatment than that... And when I didn't get it, well... it made me mad."

"Okay, that is the thing. Just because you expect someone to behave a certain way, doesn't mean that they will. It is good to verbalize how you feel and what you want from someone in order to be as clear as possible."

"But... But what if you wait and hope for the other person to change because you are afraid that you might scare them with your honesty?" Joy asked sadly.

"Well, let's put it this way. You get to be honest with someone - you tell them how you feel. If they respond positively, you spoke your truth and the burden is lifted from your AND you get to enjoy the perks of your relationship with that person. If they respond negatively, you again spoke your truth, the burden is again lifted and you now know that you and this person don't really agree with each other. There is a third option - they distance themselves from you in order to process what you have just told them and then you need to give yourself and that person time to think about your next step. Again, even in that scenario - you spoke your truth and the burden is lifted."

Joy listened to dr. Kim's words and really felt like her question was answered and her worries were acknowledged properly.

"Well... Yeah, then my mistake was being afraid of speaking the full truth."

"Was it a mistake? In a way - yes, because you did not speak your truth. But that's okay. We all make mistakes. We all sometimes keep things from others in fear of things dissolving. But if the truth is bubbling up inside of you, you should say it and it will set you free." the doctor replied.

"Huh... That makes sense."

"And that's one of the reasons why you felt angry - you felt anger because you were scared to open up and be the real Joy entirely."

Joy then sat there in silence, processing all of what she had just heard from doctor Kim.

"Okay... can we go back to Yena? I want to know what happened afterwards. I have a distinct feeling that there is more to this story, am I right?"

"Oh you know it!" Joy replied dryly. She then continued:

"Well, basically, after that evening we would hang out in hers and Sungmin's apartment, even more frequently then before. She would again play this game of hot and cold and I was too scared to act upon my feelings that were at this being developed for her. I wouldn't say I was in love in love, but I was getting there.... And it felt so frustrating because I thought that maybe she will realize she felt something for me too.... And pretty soon, one of the main haunters of my dreams comes into the picture."

"And that would be?"

"Yeri. Full name Kim Yerim, but she preferred to be called just "Yeri"."

"And how would you like to call her during this session?"

"Yeri is fine... I like that nickname, short, cute... kinda like her." Joy just smiled while looking at the floor. Her smile quickly turned into a frown.

"Okay... So... Tell me more about Yeri, how did she play into this whole situation with Yena and how did she influence your life. Start from the day you met her."

Here we go! Joy thought before opening her mouth.