Dear Almost (W., #1)

Page 9 - Can I be happy?

Dear Almost,

Like what he had advised me to do, I kept myself busy. I did tons of reports needed for my work projects, went out with my college friends and workmates, and did some recreational activities. That was my routine this past month and it was quite effective. I wasn't thinking about you during those times and it helped me know more about myself and the people around me.

Pero hindi ko pa rin maiwasan na hindi ka isipin lalo na kapag nakahiga na lang ako sa kama at naghihintay na makatulog.

Sabi nila, that was a good sign. I could only think of you at night. I needed to break the habit of thinking of you whenever I wasn't doing anything. I needed to stop looking at my phone and reading your messages whenever I missed you.

Pero hindi ko pa rin mabura ang mga usapan natin. Nakakapanghinayang din kasi dahil alam kong hindi na tayo makakapag-usap ulit. Ito na lang ang natitirang alaala mo sa akin.

I could stay afloat now. Even when these nostalgic memories came in waves, I managed not to drown.

Hindi na rin ako pumupunta sa cafe na 'yon para sa peace of mind nating dalawa. Buti na lang at may isa pang malapit sa workplace ko kaya doon na lang ako nags-stay kapag break time.

Alam mo, sabi ng workmate ko kanina, parang may nag-iba raw sa akin simula noong nakaraang taon. Napangiti na lang ako nang marinig ko 'yon. I never thought meeting and knowing you would have this much impact in my life. You made me feel emotions I thought I wouldn't feel in my existence. I experienced a lot of firsts with you.

You were the first guy I liked this much.

My first heartbreak.

My first almost.

And the reason why I needed to move on for the first time.

"Oh? Miss?"

Napalingon naman ako nang marinig ko ang isang pamilyar na boses at nakita ko siyang naglalakad papunta sa direksyon ko.

"Pumupunta ka rin pala rito," he said while sitting right across me.

Ngumiti naman ako. "Minsan. Kapag puno na ro'n sa isang cafe."

"I see."

The pager he was holding suddenly vibrated and flashed so he had to go to the get his order. Pagtingin ko, nakabalot ang coffee cups at cakes na nandoon sa receiving area kaya mukhang aalis na siya pagkakuha niya no'n.

"Sige, Miss. See you next time⁠—"

"Can I be happy again?" I blurted out, realizing how moving one wasn't just a one-step process but something that you have to endure everyday.

I was happy before I met you.

I was happy when I was talking to you.

I was happy before it all went wrong.

I didn't realize how my happiness depended on you this past year and it was hard to get rid of that reliance.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to—"

He suddenly gave me a gentle smile. "You will," he said. "Maybe not right now, but someday."

"I guess it'll take time," I muttered.

"You also have to move along with it," he added. "Time heals nothing if you keep on staying in the past."

Ilang segundo akong nakatingin lang sa kanya. His words were always helpful that it made me wonder if he also followed them before.

Dahil tinatawag na siya sa counter ay nagmadali siya papunta ro'n at saka kinuha ang mga tinake-out niya. He looked at my direction and I nodded in return.

"Like that!" he suddenly yelled. "Find reasons to smile like that and you will be fine."

I didn't realize I was smiling.

"Bye, Miss!" hirit niya pa pero hindi siya makapag-wave dahil may dala-dala siya sa magkabilang-kamay niya.

"Bye . . ."

Ah. I didn't get his name again.

"Bye, coffee guy," I whispered as he got out of the cafe. "Thank you."

 I guess I'm indebted to him once again.

On my way to happiness,

W.

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