A Part Of Me // Fillie

Me losing my mind about a girl

So basically i just wanted to get something off my chest and it might seem a little odd to do it on here but i kinda just wanna put it out there so its not all in my head.

If any of you have any tips then go right ahead and comment.

1 Year ago.

I guess you could say it started around a year or so ago when i starting working night shifts at my job with a girl who i felt really happy to talk to. 

Me being not used to many girls talking to me, i sorta struggled to read her emotions on whether or not she liked me. 

After flirting and talking a lot we finally agreed to see a movie and see if we could start a good relationship.

The first date went alright you could say, we got sorta close together at the movie and laughed together not really watching the movie, more focusing on making each other laugh. 

After that day it got kinda shitty for the relationship with us going to different schools, me being in my final year of school and her not. We would talk alot on snapchat and message each other 24/7 about useless stuff, both of us trying to keep the conversations going but kinda not going anywhere. 

We went out a bunch more times but we never actually kissed, which at the time i didnt think was the biggest deal, i sorta just enjoyed the idea of possibly calling her my girlfriend, even though i had never really built the courage to ask since the relationship was kinda going nowhere.

After like 2 months she broke up with me over messanger, and i kinda acted cool about it, and said all this nice stuff to her hoping that she find someone who treated her right and deserving. But deep down i knew for some reason i was pretty sad. 

The things is with this girl is that i dont actually think i'm extremely into her. Like i like her but her personality isnt the greatest, a little bit immature. She's pretty good looking but nothing to ride home about. Its just something about her that got me messed up. 

I think i just know that she has the ability to make someone really fucking happy and it annoys me that it wasnt me. 

Looking back at it, i think i may of come on a bit strong because i got her flowers on like the 3rd date and said some pretty fluffy stuff to her on snapchat, and it annoys me that i didnt act and look like i do know because i feel like ive matured in the way i look and the way i act. 

To the Present time

We've been having on and off shifts with each other, with the first after the breakup being a little awkward but friendly, and we've talked about how were better off as friends, and maybe thats true in all honesty. But we just make each other laugh so much when were together, and it always ends up being really enjoyable i think for the both of us.

I've dated two other girls since then, breaking up with both of them after a few months because i lost feelings with both of them, but both being way more of a relationship then the one with this ever was. Yet she is the one who i constantly look forward to working with and hopefully spending time with. She is one hundred percent the girl i was most crazy about when we first started dating.

Last night i had this dream where i was at this theme park, and i bumped into her there. And for some reason, as some dreams do, it became beautiful. We spent the whole day together, her lying in my arms as we lay on a beach chair, holding hands through the day. And other stuff i cant really recall well. 

But when i woke up and realized it was all a dream, i think that may of been the saddest ive been in some time.

Remembering that dream makes me smile like crazy and makes me really sad that i couldnt have made it work. 

I'm not sure exactly what i should do because its been a year since that relationship, and i'm half over her in a sense i've kinda got over her, but at the same time know the feeling of potential love, and when im around her i feel that.

I kinda wanna tell her but deep down i feel scared, not even to get rejected, because i think there is a possiblity, but to be ashamed that i cant be who she wants to be with.

This girl deserves the world, and she recently broke up with a small fling and if i see the guy that dumped her i think i might knock his teeth out after what he did. 

Maybe i'm being dramatic but im a believer in throwing yourself at the world and letting the world give you an answer. But this one might just be a little to much.

Thanks for reading anyway, hopefully i dont bore you too much