𝚒 𝚕𝚘𝚟𝚎 𝚢𝚘𝚞

Ch. 8 ♡

Maybe we should just try
To tell ourselves a good lie
I didn't mean to make you cry

River's Point of View

I sat down on the warm asphalt; my butt was numb and my eyes were weighing me down, but I didn't want to sleep. Because I don't fall asleep right away- embarrassing moments, nostalgic memories, and random thoughts pop into my head that finally make me fall asleep.

It was 4AM and my mind was fixated on the portrait I painted of Monique De Luna- my best friend.

Monique was truly one of a kind, no 9-year-old knew as many curse words as she did and no 13-year-old was ever as proud of her personality as anyone. She knew how to make me laugh, smile, and even cry- I would never see Monique cry, ever.

Not until that night when I walked away from her, out my window I saw her face buried into her hands. I didn't know what to say and there was no proper way to react to that. She is my best friend, we have been through phases, boyfriends, laughs- almost everything- together. I can't see her any other way than a friend.

I didn't want to tell her that, not yet anyway. The difference between her and I was that I'm a coward that needed a push. Monique was my push.

She pushed me to start painting, talking to people, getting a part-time job, and a license. Now she wasn't here, I don't know what to do.

Saying goodbye to her before I moved to Florida was the most heartbreaking situation I have ever been in- I think telling her that I just wanted to be friends is the second most heartbreaking situation.

I know what it's like to be on that side. To have feelings you want to bury, but can't because you want something to happen- it can be handled, the pain is just too much.

As I mentioned earlier, she is my best friend. I didn't want to hurt her in anyway. If I continue to ignore this, we would become strangers. If I told her I couldn't return her feelings, she would be heartbroken. There wasn't much of a choice.

"Fuck," the word escaped from my mouth as I trudged back into my room. Maybe forgetting this was a good idea- she didn't mean to say it, it was just in the heat of the moment, right?

A deep sigh came out from my mouth at that last thought- she meant to say it and this situation was 100% real.

The smile that you gave me
Even when you felt like dying

She told me she's known for a long time, she's been burying her feelings since I've come back- probably longer than that. I feel profoundly guilty on how I haven't noticed her. Always by my side, smiling and looking at me with love. Her eyes, her touch, it must of been hard for her to keep this inside. It sucks, I know it.

Monique deserves more than this. More than silence that's killing he and more than a shitty friend. She needs the truth so she could find someone for her. To learn to let me go because it wasn't going to work.

If I had stayed, maybe the situation would have been different. I would've seen her more and- I don't know. I said to her I would date her, but not now.

I grabbed my phone and texted her to meet me at the park tomorrow around 9PM, where it's dark and harder to see our sad faces. There was a chance I'd cry to- when you can't return someone's love, it only hurts to see them hurt.

My phone vibrated and Monique texted back, it was almost 5 in the morning and we were both up for the same reason. I sighed and shut my eyes, nervous for tomorrow and the future that would emerge from our words.