at work tonight we're the bunch of beautiful flowers who want to be wankers but just failingly aren't. the food is mayonnaise served with sliced chicken and cabbage and the pepsi is ice tinged with dulcet sweetness - we call it ambrosial delivery nutritional support because the food is hot when it arrives and we pay part of our salary for it. i had palpitations all morning - i'd woken up around midnight and it was hilarious because i had a bed to make at 1am - and the manic adrenaline was bombarding. a couple vessels burst and my skin was temporarily purple and blue. it's fine. bruises are pastel coloured and that's chic. sometimes i voluntarily want the chicness of my skin to come out from the vascular closet. whatever. i twisted my waist and meditated and thought of the tibet and created a playlist called 'summer music w/ aloe vera & moisturiser' and obviously i wanted to kiss myself all morning for my intelligence and regardless of the hype it wasn't enough. i needed more but what is more? what's more? what's the most there is? what's more than this? i thought i could tell you happy birthday and wish you luck on your exams monday so i looked for a telephone line i could make use of and when i held up the handle i dialled several numbers that weren't yours until i got it right and when you answered you were all kinds of arrogant and stiff and sour in my mind again so i hanged up. i'm relieved i didn't talk. imagine the hypocrisy i could've gotten myself into or even the drama that could've come out of this. what made my veins collapse was you calling the number almost immediately but turns out you were the wrong number and weren't the one we actually needed to call. i think about it now and i agree. you're not who i needed to call even if you and who i have in mind share the same face and accent and name. the diarrhoea is distracting. i shouldn't have invited myself into the pro diabetes mayonnaise campaign. i call this regret. phoning you is a step, but to where? go on. in two hours i wake up and read this again - it is ice rushing through my veins and my brain freezing with suffocating adrenalinic admiration and i agree - i'm such a genius all i deserve is hydration and kisses and healthier food and crazily lower BMI and a too much of a raise. it's half three in the morning - i'm in direct contact with urine and blood and open wounds laced with pseudomonas and escherichia more than a human being should be. where. is. motherfucking. humanity. and my rights. be riot.
