Diary of a Lightworker

Opening the Eye into the Matrix

 Conversations with God- I wanted to write a book about my conversations with God after I reached the age of 31 but couldn't find the courage to write it yet. I felt there are so much immaturity residing inside me, so much pain and anguish, and years of deep-seated trauma and rejection.

I decided to be alone to work on myself for 3 years- I don't know why I chose 3 years, do I believe that in the short span of 3 years I can miraculously say I am healed? Knowledgeable? Equipped to face the world? I don't know for sure, it just seems like a good number- number 3- maybe to complete the 3 sides of the triangle- I wanted to deal with my own thoughts, my nightmares for the next 3 years- to stay away from family problems, issues of strangers and friends- to quiet my mind and stay away from thoughts of lovers- I want to fully relish into knowing this body, this mind that was given to me- technically, I cannot say I am alone- no one is alone in the Universe- we are forever integrated and interconnected and whatever I am thinking would be heard by the Highest of the Land, the Universe per se- the most intelligent Force in the Universe we call God- and call unto thee as Jesus Christ. 
Is that even possible? is it possible to stay away from the issues of other people and work on yourself or are we integrated and fully intertwined to humanity? Most people like me grew up in households that cling to your mind and body for the rest of your life. Most of us cannot shed our identity as a daughter, as a son, as a brother, as a sister, as an aunt, as an uncle, a cousin, as a mother, as a father, as a grandmother, as a granddaughter-- we cannot run away from certain duties and responsibilities passed on to us by people we call blood- our identities have always been intertwined with the family- it is coded, programmed in us, and most of us fully embrace this roles-and do not have the luxury to say- can I step away for sometime, can I decide not to be your sister for a while? Can I decide not to be someone's daughter or son for a while? Can we just say, I don't want to be a mother for a year, not a father for a year- not a brother to anyone for a year? can we decide not to be involved and have a family for 3 years or more? Maybe not in the entirety of our lifetime, but we most certainly can withdraw for periods of time, to do some self-introspection and whenever we do- should we be condemned for it? Should we be condemned for the responsibilities and duties we don't want to fulfill for a while- what is Guilt? what is a shame? What does it mean to choose the Self and let go- I am at this point in time right now- what if I want to just work on myself for 3 years, to listen to my thoughts- what If for 3 years I want to find some mental peace- mental spaces to work on myself because I learned at a very early age that no one would be able to fix me- my wounds though inflicted by another is mine- only mine to resolve-- 

Detachment

I grew up in a broken home. Classic really. This is pretty classic, a lot of people would relate when I say- we grew up in a broken household, our parents got separated at a young age- we had to make do- some say they grew up with their grandparents, some had to live with their aunt and uncle, some get to stay with a depressed single mom or depressed single dad- different patterns and weave of information- the same stories- bottom line I did not live in a happy home, my soul had to face traumatic and painful experiences- I am not special, there is nothing special about it- it is plain and simple Universal pain- but it wounds you just the same. You somehow begin to understand that you won't have it easy in life- but that you will become stronger than usual- the trauma will be deep-seated- like many others who come from broken homes you identified with your pain, with your losses, with your whys, and for the most part of your life- you will feel and tell yourself that you are a victim- Victim, I still call myself a victim- but my soul already knows I shouldn't- there is just a layer of pain inside my heart that I am not able to shake off- I call it triggers- triggers are painful memories and thought patterns that we are not able to let go of yet- they stay with us despite me being able to recognize my triggers I couldn't get past them yet- I just know that I have them and don't know how to cure the longing and hope I have inside- that is why I wanted 3 years to myself- 3 years for myself to notice the triggers and give myself a good break.