Don't You Worry About The Distance

Chapter 26

Vic’s POV

“Kellin,” I breathed out in shock, though I’m not entirely sure why. I did call his phone after all, the number memorized by heart. I will say it did surprise me a bit when he wasn’t the first to answer. The unfamiliar voice that I was greeted with made me sick. Who was he and why was he answering Kellin’s phone? Does this mean he’s really moved on? I mean, I don’t blame him, but the thought of someone else touching him made a fiery rage build within me. I had no right to be jealous anymore. Kellin wasn’t mine, but it was still so hard to wrap my head around.

The worst part was that this stranger, this man moving in on what’s mine, the one taking over my home, called him Kels. That was a nickname I created for him. It wasn’t original or clever, really, but it suited him and for a while, it was only me who spoke that to him. Every now and then the guys would use it to piss me off, but that was it.

Now there’s someone else, someone new, and he’s doing all of the things I used to do.

“Why are you calling?” Kellin’s voice finally filled my ears. It had been at least a minute, the longest minute of my life full of pure silence as he was probably trying to process the fact that I was calling and that we were actually going to talk. It had been so long since I heard him say anything. I thought I would forget what he sounded like, but I was wrong. It’s impossible to not remember that slightly feminine voice, or the high pitch that sometimes hides within it.

Besides those familiar things, his words were laced with something else; annoyance. That’s one thing I never would have guessed would happen with us. He was always so excited to hear from me, even if it was a small phone call while he was waiting for class and I was heading to work, or vice versa. I never thought Kellin would hate me.

Never.

I was almost afraid to say anything else. I didn’t want to scare him off, but I knew if I didn’t do something, he’d grow agitated and hang up on me and I wasn’t about to let that happen. I finally had him.

His question, why was I calling him? It broke my heart that he would actually believe I wouldn’t acknowledge his birthday. I know I screwed things up, but this was his special day. I wanted to at least wish him well.

“It’s your birthday,” I decided on saying like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Hearing myself talk, I could pick up on the genuine care I held in my words. I only hoped he would, too.

Kellin only scoffed and that alone told me he wasn’t impressed. Even though he was clearly upset and seemed to have no interest in talking to me, I couldn’t stop smiling. It was so good to communicate with him. Fück, I just really miss him.

“You remembered?” He then questioned, now sounding a little more interested in my answers.

“Of course I remembered. How could I forget?” I said with a frown. The fact that Kellin had it in his mind that I would forget such a day downed my spirits.

“I don’t know,” he sighed impatiently. “I thought I seemed pretty forgettable to you.”

And just like that, my heart broke all over again. Kellin was anything but forgettable to me. Every day when I wake up in the morning, his face is the first thing I imagine, his dark colored hair splayed over the pillow case as little breaths passed through his lips. He was always such a beautiful sleeper, as much as anyone could be, really. Any time I tried to do anything, Kellin was always there in the back of my mind reminding me of what I was missing out on; on what a perfect life I used to have.

He is literally everything to me and he doesn’t see that anymore. Then again, I should have done a better job at proving it.

An awkward silence fell between us because I didn’t know what to say. I could apologize up and down, tell him that he’s always on my mind but he’d probably shrug it all off and laugh about it later with his new boyfriend. Speaking of which, it was killing me to know that as I’m trying to have this conversation with him, that guy is probably still in the room, watching Kellin’s every move. They’re probably cuddling on the couch, or snuggled up in our bed, having a laugh at how pathetic I am for thinking I could smooth things over in one phone call.

I had to know though. As much as it would kill me to hear the truth, I had to know. Swallowing hard, I asked him about the man from before, hoping whatever he said wouldn’t break my heart.

“So, uh, who was that?” My voice was shaky, a lot more than I expected it to be but I was just so nervous; nervous for Kellin to answer, nervous to hear him speak again. What if he completely disregarded everything and just hung up? I couldn’t take it.

He cleared his throat, grabbing my attention. I knew Kellin well enough to know that he was pondering what to say, which could only mean a couple of things. Either he wanted to make me jealous so he was going to be detailed and rub it in my face, or he wanted to let me down easy.

“That was Matty,” he spoke softly. So, the stranger had a name. “He’s my-”

“No, it’s okay,” I cut him off abruptly. I couldn’t hear it. I could not listen to him say those words.

On my end, I fell back onto the couch, bringing a hand up to pinch at the bridge of my nose. Why was I doing this again? Eyes fluttering shut I tried so hard to focus on Tay’s words and how right she was. I needed to take baby steps. Maybe in the end Kellin and I wouldn’t end up together, but I could try and have him in my life somehow.

He sighed in annoyance and brought me back to reality. I felt like he was going to say something, but I quickly interjected. I needed him to hear me out first. So I did the only thing that was left to do. I apologized.

“I’m sorry, Kellin.” It was a tired expression, way overused on my end but I had to set the ground work. He remained silent and unresponsive and it was horrible. We used to have something so special, never a cold or distant moment between us and now I can barely speak to him. “What I did…I never meant to hurt you. I truly hope you know that.”

I wasn’t expecting him to say anything, honestly, not yet anyway so I carried on with my talk hoping he wouldn’t grow bored in the middle and hang up to leave me talking to nothing.

“I think about you every day. No matter where I’m at or what I’m doing, I think about you.” Hoping my confession would have some effect on him, I sat in silence willing for him to say something, anything.

I thought it would never come. Seriously, I thought he would hang up, but then I heard a sharp intake of breath and my name, my boring and lifeless name slip past between those beautiful lips and it just sounded so good to hear him say it.

“Vic,” he sighed like he didn’t know what else to say, but just hearing that was enough.

Once again, I felt the need to quickly say something else before he said something I didn’t want to hear, or worse, hang up.

“I’m happy that you found someone,” I lied right through my teeth. It killed me to know that after this phone call his lips would be one someone else’s, his hand held by a new man. I couldn’t let him hear that, though. “I hope he treats you better than I did, Kellin. You deserve nothing but the best and I’m sorry I couldn’t be that for you.”

I heard him cough and at that moment I was sure if he was laughing, or crying, or just simply trying to wrap his head around my words. Then he said it again.

“Vic, it’s not-”

“I love you,” I blurted out in admittance, probably taking both of us by shock. I knew I still loved him. I believed I would always love him, but it wasn’t part of my plan to say it. I didn’t want to overwhelm him, but since I already did, I rolled with it. “I always will.”

A few moments of silence, Kellin still hasn’t said a word and I couldn’t bring myself to hold on anymore. I tried, I put it all out there for him and now he knows. The next move is on him. I had to go.

“Happy birthday, Kels,” I bit my lip, hissing at the nickname. That was reserved for Matty now, not me. “I’m sorry, I have to go.” I couldn’t take anymore. I hung up, calmly placing my phone on the table as a fresh new wave of tears came over me.

I hadn’t cried in what feels like forever. Turning off all emotions meant that I didn’t react to anything. I just simply existed. That wasn’t the case anymore. A week’s worth of crying was built up within me, desperately begging to be released and finally today, on the familiar date of April 24th, I let go.

It was embarrassing and pathetic, but I retreated back to my room anyway, pulling down the comforters and crawling into the only place where I felt safe. Letting the warmth completely surround me, I snuggled my face into the pillow, closing my eyes and letting sadness once again win.

-

When I woke up, things seemed to turn around. I needed to cry and let everything out. Now I could actually go on with my plan. Making that call was step one. He heard from me, my voice is now lingering in his head, my words hopefully settling within him. The next step would be face to face communication.

My internship ends in just over a month. That means I’ll either make the decision to stay in New York, or if all goes well, move back home to San Diego to be with Kellin. I’d have to go back anyway and pick up the rest of my things. He’s probably locked them away somewhere that isn’t our, well I guess now his, apartment. That wasn’t going to stop me from showing up on his doorstep though. No, I was going to fight, harder than I had before.

There was only one problem, or should I say, person standing in my way.

“Matty, Matty, Matty,” I repeated out loud to myself, that name, that voice, tormenting me. I paced back and forth around my tiny living room, trying to decide if I’ve ever met him before but nothing comes to mind. He’s not a mutual friend, I’ve never heard of him at a party, and I was positive he’s never been a class of mine, or Kellin’s. The name just didn’t sound familiar at all.

That means they met at a party, or the bar, which to be honest made my stomach turn. If Kellin went home with him on a drunken night or brought him back to the apartment, I don’t know what I’d do with myself.

But I couldn’t think like that right now. I needed more answers and there was only one person left in my old group of friends who didn’t seem disgusted by me. With that thought in mind, I pulled my phone out from my back pocket and pulled up my brother’s contact. If anyone could help me out, it would definitely be Mike.

He picked up after the second ring, sounding a little out of breath so I assumed he ran to answer. I actually haven’t talked to him in a while. The whole incident kind of tore us apart. He was basically obligated to like me, we’re blood after all. Tony never responded to my text messages and Jaime was always really vague in his answers. Mike, however, we were still close, I just didn’t bother with them anymore. It was like an old life I was no longer a part of.

“Hello?” Mike sounded hesitant. “Vic?”

“Uh, yeah,” I mumbled. “It’s me.”

“Well, fück,” he laughed. “I haven’t heard from you in forever, man. How’s it going?”

He casually asked and I frowned. He didn’t know what was happening in my personal life right now and I made it a point to keep it that way. Whatever Alex and I had happening, it was going to be over. I had to end it. He wasn’t what I wanted. He was never what I wanted. He was just available and I was lonely.

Either way, this was going to remain a secret. No one could ever find out about what we had been doing. Kellin especially, it would just ruin things even more.

“Let’s not talk about that, Mikey,” I sighed and plopped back down onto the sofa. “I wanted to ask you about something else, actually.”

“Alright, you’ve captured my attention. What is it?” Now I had him invested. I was glad we didn’t have an awkward introduction. He was my brother and I hated the fact that I’ve been so distant. Hopefully that would all change soon.

I took a deep breath and tried to formulate my words into sentences. I had a mental list of everything I wanted to say, I just wasn’t sure how it would come out.

“I called Kellin,” I said, smirking as he began to choke on the breath he just inhaled. I expected this kind of reaction from him.

“How the fück did that go?”

“I acted like a sap, pouring my heart out in a moment of weakness and then I freaked out and hung up the phone. God, I was such an idiot Mike, but that’s not even the worst part.”

He laughed and I could picture him shaking his head like he typically does when I act like this. “What was it then?”

“Matty answered the phone.”

His laughter stopped and he fell silent, the action only confirming my fears. So this Matty guy was someone important in Kellin’s life. I know I wanted him back, but I had put Kellin through enough shït. Could I really take him away from someone who makes him happy?

“Who is he, Mike?” I needed to know. I couldn’t hear it from Kellin, but I could handle it from Mike. It was different.

“Yeah, bro…” He sighed. “They’re dating.”

A pain shot through my chest as if my heart literally broke at the statement. The sinking feeling resided within me. Kellin was taken, by a far better man; a man who would never betray him the way I did. Someone who would give him the unconditional love that he deserves.

“Vic?”

“Yeah?”

“I’m just messing with you,” Mike chuckled and I swear to god if it were possible to reach through the phone, I would have strangled him. That little shït nearly gave me a heart attack.

“You fücking prick,” I screeched, slamming my hand against the couch cushion. “Why would you do that?”

“To get a reaction out of you,” he said cheerfully. “Nah bro, they aren’t dating. But they are really close. To be honest, Kellin’s still not over you. I can tell that he’s trying really hard, but it’s like almost impossible. He’s happy, but he’s miserable.”

The smile I had on me slowly began to fade. This whole time Kellin has been dealing with this, not being able to move on and basically still in a mourning period and I’ve been acting like a total dick. Sleeping with Alex was the worst thing I could have done. I felt like shït, even worse because I didn’t know what he was going through. I really thought Kellin was doing better. I honestly believed he had found someone new, but he wasn’t.

He wasn’t okay. Not like I thought he was and the guilt I felt worsened.

“Mike?”

“Yeah man?”

I sighed and said my final words.

“Keep an eye on Kellin, would you? Let me know if their relationship changes. When this internship is over I’m coming back. And I’m coming back for him.”

·–

Sorry I left that as a cliffhanger, but here you go. It's lovely seeing your comments so please keep them comming, now I'm going to bed, enjoy!