Cain And Abel - The First Children

Cain and Abel: Act 5

At the ceremony.

(Cain walks in, completely covered in Abel's blood.)

God - "Cain, where is your brother Abel? And why are you covered in blood?"

Cain (snarky tone) - "Why are you asking me? Aren't you supposed to be omniscient?"

(Family gasps and looks toward God, but they have to gaze away because their eyes can't bear to look at his divine elegance and overwhelming radiance, so they turn their gaze back towards Cain.)

God (sternly) - "Cain, answer my question."

Cain (still sassy) - "Which one? You asked me two, don't you remember? Or perhaps you have a poor memory? That could point to the reason why you require us to constantly remind you of all the bad deeds we did, since you yourself can't even remember."

God - "Cain, where is your brother Abel?"

Cain (shrugs his shoulders and answers in an indifferent and bored manner) - "I don't know? Am I my brother's keeper?"

(Family gasps, and they put on sunglasses so that they can look at God while they await his response without their eyes burning from his overwhelming radiant light.)

God (upset) - "Cain! What in my name have you done?! Shhhh! Listen! Do you not hear? Your brother's blood cries out to me from the ground."

Cain - "That is unsurprising since he was so sensitive when he was alive. It didn't take much for Abel to come to tears. He would cry whenever he saw a sunset. He would cry whenever he read a romance novel. He would cry if the wind blew too hard! Abel is the reason we have a river! He took Justin Timberlake's song literally, and actually cried a river!"

God - "My son Cain, this ground which opened its mouth to receive your brother's blood from your hand, it has now been cursed! When you work the ground, it will no longer yield its crops to you. You have now been driven from the ground, you are now destined to be a restless wanderer upon this earth."

Cain - "Fine with me! I just bought a fitness smartwatch, and I am trying to get my steps in."

God - "You will have to wander the Earth without your fitness smartwatch. You will have nothing to count your steps."

Cain - "Are you kidding me!? I am not a nerd like Abel, I cannot possibly keep count of the number of steps I have taken. My punishment is more than I can bear. Lord, please have mercy on me! Today you are driving me from the land without my smartwatch, what is next, you are going to drive me out of the land without my iPhone! My Lord, Satan wouldn't even dare to be so cruel!"

God - "You can't take your iPhone!"

Cain (panicked) - "Lord! I will be away from your presence. I need my iPhone so I can contact you. Furthermore, I need my iPhone for navigation. I haven't ever wandered the Earth, if I did, I probably would have married someone other than my fat sister. Therefore, I am bound to become lost without Google Maps."

God - "Fine, you can keep your iPhone!"

Cain - "Thank you, my Lord...But once social media gets a hold of the news that I murdered my brother, whoever finds me will kill me."

God - "I will censor all who attempt to post anything related to the news of Abel's death."

Cain - "You can do that?"

God - "I can do anything, I'm God. And censoring people is my specialty."

Cain - "What if they do it the old-fashioned way and spread the news using the word-of-mouth technique."

God - "Hear me all when I say, anyone who does harm to Cain will suffer sevenfold. And for those who may forget, I will place this sign stating that statement on Cain so that all will know the punishment that awaits them if they dare lay a hand on Cain." (places sign on Cain)

Cain (reading the sign) - "This sign says, kick me..."

God - "Oops! That sign is meant to be placed on Satan, here is your sign." (gives Cain the proper sign)

Cain - "Thank you Lord for your mercy. Now then, where shall I walk?"

God - "Walk towards the land of Nod."

(Cain waits a few moments, remaining quiet and still.)

Cain - "Um...yeah, I know your memory is poor, but try to remember the fact that I haven't ever left this small radius of land. I do not know of any other world besides this land just outside of Eden. Therefore, I have no clue where this land of Nod is located."

God - "Head east."

(Cain waits a few moments but remains still.)

Cain - "Um...yeah, I am not a sailor nor an explorer...I don't know my directions, and I don't have a compass."

God (slightly vexed)- "I let you keep your iPhone! Use Google Maps!"

Cain - "Yes, but the walking navigation feature takes a little while before it accurately knows your location. Therefore, I need to begin walking in the right direction first. So, which way is east?"

God - "Use your compass app."

Cain - "Oh yeah! I forgot my iPhone has that app! I haven't ever used that app before, so I am glad that I finally have a reason to do so. You know, Mom and Dad are right, things really do happen for a reason. If I didn't lose the sacrificial ceremony, and if I didn't murder my brother, and if I wasn't banished from the land just outside of Eden, destined to be a restless wanderer for the rest of my life, then I would never have had the opportunity to use my compass application. Thus, things really do happen for a reason. This is a happy story just like Voltaire's Candide. Anyways, bye family! Hopefully we cross paths in the future, if not, let us hope we meet in Heaven and not in Hell. Come now my girthy wife slash sister, it is time for us to head out to Nod to make some deformed, incest babies."

(Cain and his wife/sister walk off holding hands. Cain is in a merry mood singing Hark the Herald Angels Sing.)

The End.