Almost A Decade // Ryden

Chapter Six.

     We don't really say much to each other after Ryan's emotions calmed down. He just sat in the chair across the studio, chin resting on his hand, definitely thinking. About what? There's honestly a million things, but I didn't dare to let my curiosity ask.

He looked perfect though.

     So serious, no lines on his face, but I could tell he was clenching his teeth. His jaw line looked so sharp, his hair was falling just right around his face, and his eyes were ....

     "Brendon, stop." I had to silently remind myself to knock it the fuck off. I can't look at Ryan like this, I can't feel this way about him anymore. I just need it to stop.

     Suddenly, Ryan stands up and grabs his keys off the desk. "I just need to go home." I don't say anything ... I just watch him open the door.

     At the same time Ryan opened the door, Sarah was getting ready to come in and he startled her by how fast he pulled it open. He didn't say a word, and she didn't either. He just walked past her, and before I could even find words, he was through the backyard and out of the gate.

     "Everything okay?" She asks, sitting down in the same spot Ryan just stood up from.

     "Yeah." I say sharply, spinning around in my chair and pulling myself up to my desk. I really don't want to talk about this right now, so I'm trying to look busy.

     "Brendon...." Sarah's voice sounds concerned, and I can't get any words past the lump in my throat. "Can you please just ... talk to me?" I hear her voice get shaky... fuck. "Is Ryan the reason why you've barely even looked at me lately? Is he the reason why I feel like my husband is gone? Please help me understand, because I am grasping at straws here...." she starts crying.

I start crying.

     I turn around and face her, and she just .... hugs me. I'm shocked, and also relieved. This is one of the many reasons why I love my wife .... I honestly do. Her compassion and ability to connect with people makes her so great in situations like this ... I just wish this situation wasn't like .... this.

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      It's been a rough week. Sarah decided to go stay with a friend, to give me space. Everything between us is a blur. We have been talking daily, but not about much, I haven't even asked her to come home. She's probably waiting for that, but the absolute quiet has been good for me.

     Haven't spoken to Ryan either. He left here pissed off, and hasn't said a word since. Spencer was on his way over, he said he had a talk with Linda and wanted to explain what happened to me in person.

     I hear my front door open, "Knock, knock!"

     "I'm in here!" I shout from the kitchen. Sarah also took Penny and Bogart with her, and it's weird not to hear them run to the door when a guest comes over.

     Spencer appears in the door way. I walk over and hug my guy, and he walks over and sits down at the counter top. "Making dinner?" he says, looking around at everything I have laying on the counter.

     I go to the fridge and grab him out some water, "Yeah, I hope you're hungry." I smile at him and hand him the water and go back to my spaghetti sauce.

     "Talked to Ryan lately?" I turn halfway around to face him, just to shoot him a look and spin back towards the stove. "Me either. He was pretty pissed off at me, man. I don't even know what to say to him."

     "Well what the hell happened, Spence?"

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     I set Spencer's plate down on the table as he slides off the bar stool and heads towards me, and then I sit opposite of him waiting for him to start the story.

     "Well, I told you why I started the journal but it took me awhile to find out why Linda had taken it." He starts to eat his food, but I just keep moving mine around the plate, I'm too anxious to eat. "I guess she kept seeing me write in it, but I would never tell her what I was writing nor did she ever ask...." I wish I wouldn't have fed him, his pauses are killing me.

     "So, after awhile of this she started watching where I would put it away at. Around the same time, we were having a slight hiccup in our relationship and she thought I was using again". He looks up at me, dead in the eyes, "I wasn't....". His gaze returns back at this food, "....but she thought I was. That's when she decided to read through my journal."

     I start eating, because my anxiety is starting to go away. This all is making sense, and I know he has no reason to lie to me. I take a sip out of my beer, and set it back on the table before I decide to speak.

     "But why were you writing about Ryan and I, out of all things to write about?"

     "Honestly, Brendon...." Oooh, Brendon? He's serious.... "Those were the best days of my life. We had so much fun, and you know I didn't give a shit about you and Ry. Hell, most days I wish I had someone who loved me as much as you two loved each other". He pauses, looking back up at me. "I'm sorry."

     I shake my head, letting him know it's ok to continue his thought. "But I was going through something very dark, and I had no choice but to write about the light. You all were my light. That's all I cared about when I was writing it. Not that it could potentially come out and ruin your life. I was so selfish with it, and I am truly sorry, B..."

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Sorry to get sentimental tonight
It's just that everything reminds me of things
I thought I shouldn't have to see again
See, the thing is I'm so sorry to say
Someone still loves you.....

     I'm trying to find the right way to make these words fit this beat that I have, so I am in my studio just singing away. It's a nice LA evening so I have the door open, hopefully I am not annoying my neighbors terribly.

     "I liked it the best that time through...."

     I hear a voice behind me that scares me, so I turn around and see Ryan standing there. I just turn back around and face my computer. I don't have time for him to keep disappearing for a week, and deciding when he's going to come back. It's exhausting.

     "I uhhh ..." I can see him rubbing his neck through my computer screen. "I talked to Spencer, he told me what happened."

    "Great." That's all I say. Now he knows I'm upset about something.

     "Look Bren, I'm sorry for how I acted." I feel two hands come down on my shoulder and give me a squeeze... and they keep going. Is Ryan ... massaging my back right now?

     I get even more stiff from him touching me at first, but once I realize he's not going to stop, I relax. "It's okay, man. I just wish that you would talk to me, instead of just trying to run away from what's going on. Typical Ryan move." I click around at a few things on my desktop, and then I stop. I turn the chair and stand to face Ryan who still hasn't said anything yet. "We're not kids anymore. We are thirty year old men, you can talk to me about things.... quit running from your problems."

     He's just staring at me. Not saying a word, not moving. Just staring. After what felt like an hour of silence, Ryan stepped towards me, placing one hand on my shoulder and the other on the side of my face ....

     and then he kissed me.