Almost A Decade // Ryden

Chapter Seven.

     I tried to pull away, but his grasp on me kept me close. When he finally released his lips from mine, I just stood there ... shocked. In disbelief. I can see myself, I am literally outside of my body looking at me just standing there, stiff as a board. Ryan is staring at me too, wide eyed, he almost looks shocked himself.

     "I'm sorry .... I don't know why I did that." He laughs nervously, turning around and running a hand through his hair. "I just thought that ...." he stops his sentence, and looks back at me. I'm still standing there, slowly collecting my brain cells off the ground. "I just thought that it would make things easier."

     Suddenly I find my voice, and my voice isn't very happy. I quickly respond, "How the fuck would THAT make anything easier?" I start moving about the room like I am looking for something, but I don't know what I am looking for. I look up at Ryan who is still staring at me, "You don't have an answer?"

     "I thought if I kissed you, I'd feel nothing." He starts, my moving suddenly ceases to hear him better. "I thought if I just did it, and got it over with that all of these thoughts in my head could disappear. I could tell myself you no longer mean anything to me, and show 20 year old me that those feelings were in the past......" He's crying. Sobbing. He sinks down to the floor onto his knees, and just lays his head in his hands, crying.

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     I wake up to my phone ringing. I take it off the charger and hold the screen up to my face, closing one eye and squinting the other.

Sarah.

     "Hello?"

     "Hi, B." She sounds .... sad. She's usually very enthusiastic when I answer the phone, but today, it was a somber tone.

      "Hi, good morning, babe. How did you sleep?"

      "Like shit. I miss you. I think today I am ready to come back home."

     Oh no. I can't. Not after everything that happened with Ryan last night. I need time to process this. I know it was her idea to leave, but it was to give ME some space, so I don't think it's fair for her to decide that I no longer need space just because she wants to come back.

      "I don't think that's a good idea, right now." I wanted to say more but she immediately starts crying.

     "Brendon, please. I miss you, and I've done a lot of thinking ...." She pauses to sniff a couple times. "Don't you want to work on this?"

     My heart is breaking. It has been a tough few months for our relationship but I want nothing more than for Sarah and I to be happy, I just need to find out where my happiness lies. "Of course I do, honey. I just need more time by myself." Her crying continues ....

     Speaking of crying, I completely forgot that Ryan stayed here last night....

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      I walk downstairs, and to my surprise, Ryan isn't on the couch where I last left him. He was such a crying mess, I just brought him inside and laid him on my couch. I covered him up, got him some water and told him he could stay here. He said okay, and from there I'm guessing he went to sleep.

      I go to the kitchen to see if he's maybe in there, he wasn't, but there is a note on the counter:

Thank you for letting me stay here. Again, I'm sorry, Bren.
      -RyRo

     RyRo .... fuck. I did not see any of this coming. I didn't know that my missing my old band mates would turn into all of this. I didn't think going to Spencer's would turn into me hanging out with Ryan, and I DEFINITELY didn't think me hanging out with Ryan would turn into him kissing me.

     I pull out my phone, click Ryan's name and lean against my countertop resting my palm on my forehead.

     "Hello?"

     Fuck. "Hey ...." I pull the phone away from my head to double check that I actually called the right person. "Uhhh, can I talk to Ryan?" Hearing a woman's voice threw me completely off, I stand up straight and feel adrenaline release into my body.

     "Sure." the girls voice is very flat, and monotoned, like she's annoyed with me calling. It's obviously Ryan's girlfriend, and I can hear Ryan in the background asking her who it is. She says, "it says B on here, I don't know." All I hear next is the rustling of the phone transfer, and then a click.

     Did he just fucking hang up on me?

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"If I had one more day to wish,
if I had one more day to be better than I could have ever been ...
If I had one more day to wish,
If I had one more day, I could be better but baby ..... "

      I've had this melody in my head for awhile and I am finally deciding to use it tonight. I need something upbeat and high in energy to pull my mind out of this cluster fuck it's been in. Ever since Ryan hung up on me .... three days ago .... I have had a shit attitude.

     I literally just told him to stop running away from his problems, and look at him, running. Now I'm sitting all alone. My wife is gone, my dogs are gone, my best friend is gone .... I might as well be making country music at this point. I laugh at my own thoughts for a second, then continue to write to the sound of the music.

     There's a soft knock at my studio door, and I haven't had my phone on me all day ... so I am honestly not sure who is going to be standing on the other side. I open the door, and I suddenly feel adrenaline swirl through my body like a typhoon. My ears immediately get hot, and a sense of nervousness washes over my body.

     "Hi .... uh, can I help you?" I'm trying to be nonchalant about what's going on, and pretend that I am unaware of the person in front of me.

     "Actually, I'm hoping you can. I'm trying to figure out why my boyfriend has been hanging out with you and lying to me about it....."