Blooming Words

to fit in

It's the idea of neither here nor there
in my mind ,I feel as though I have been excluded,
left out,
forgotten,
not a new feeling to join my thoughts
but in reality I struggle to realize that I am included
the intentions of those around are much different from those in the past.
They are genuine.
They are welcoming.
Loving.
All things I've never believed that I would experience in such an environment.
But despite the care, the love, the smiles, it still feels as if reality has played no role in this.
I've convinced myself that all people are the same.
No one is real.
No one really enjoys your presence.
It's a lie that constantly fills my thoughts and overwhelms my brain.
A lie that keeps me outcast even when I'm finally given passage to the social kingdoms.
A lie that holds me captive to my solitude when the gates of camaraderie have swung wide open.
It's a lie that has forced me to look into the eyes of a potential friend and judge their hearts based on the assumption that they may not actually care if i had a "good morning" or not.
Though it's seems all too late,
I've come realize it is all the past.
In the past, the patterns of judging and mistreatments was all that surrounded me.
A constant gloom and weight of the pressure to be the same as everyone else, to give up individuality because without conforming i could never "fit in," I would never have a say, i would never matter.
But the present has broken down these expectations and instead encourages creativity and being myself.
The present will allow me to move past these inhibitors and at last build a real relationship.
The present, despite past mistakes and mistreatments, will at last allow me to have a purpose,
to truly fit in, without a change to who i am.