Blondie - IT (2017) R.T.

10: just....sad I guess

    My moms funeral was about a week after she passed. We had her cremated, but before that there was a funeral. She was pale and her eyes were closed and she wasn't smiling like she always did. My lip quivered at the sight of her. I turned away from her, Chris who was standing next to me, and Bills mom, who was my mother's sister, looked at my quick movement. "I don't want to see her like that." I said simply. Chris patted my shoulder and suggested I sit on the sofa in the corner. I wobbled off towards the corner with said sofa and a coffee table that had coloring books on it, I sat down on the couch, leaned into the back of it and brought my legs to my chest. The crutches I've been using were set to the side as I let myself wallow in self pity and the oncoming depression. I felt terribly queasy, the image of my dead mother would haunt me for the rest of my life. My breathing was uneven and wobbly. I could barely breathe, as if I was crying but there were no tears.

I held myself together for the service, sitting in the front of the room, ignoring Bills presence to my right and wishing I could see my moms beautiful blue eyes one more time. I sat in the front row between Chris and my aunt. Eventually I had to speak, I had been writing this speech since the day after my mom passed. I recited it in the shower, stared into my own puffy eyes as I practiced in my vanity's mirror, the whole thing written in pink ink on a page out of my math notebook from school last year. After what probably took way to long, I had made it up the small set of three stairs and balanced myself without the use of crutches. I stood behind the podium that was sat on the small stage like platform. My eyes stayed away from the casket as I got ready to speak. I pulled the folded piece of paper from the pocket of my sweater and smoothed it out on the podium. I sniffled before taking a deep breathe. I looked out to find a couple of my friends scattered out in the crowd. Richie was here with his parents, Eddie with his mom and Stan and his mom. "Hello everyone. I'm Alice, Vanessa's daughter. This week has been the most emotional week of my life." I sniffled again. "My mom was a kind and loving person. She saw the beauty in everything and the goodness in people. She was optimistic and caring and loving and-" I closed my eyes to hold back tears. "And beautiful." My voice cracked on the word beautiful. "Inside and out." I opened my eyes again. "Mom was all I had for awhile. After my father left it was just me and her for the next year and so, and in that time I believe it helped us become as close as we were." I smiled even as I get my eyes water. "When I was 9, my mom took me on a trip to the ocean. We got train tickets and packed our bags and woke up really early to go. When we got to the ocean after a long train ride my mom took my hand and we stepped into the sand. It was my first time at the ocean. I'd never touched sand like this before and I still remember how warm it felt between my toes." I wiped my eyes as tear fell on to the paper I was reading from. "After we walked on the beach for awhile she let go of my hand and crouched down to be the same height as me and said "I've always loved the beach. It's a beautiful place that can be gentle and kind or rough and unforgiving." I didn't know what that meant at the time." I wiped at the tears running down my face. "But after thinking it over, I think my mom wanted me to know that even places that look kind and beautiful can also be a place of destruction." I looked out over the people in front of me to see others were also crying. "My mom wasn't very book smart, but when she did speak it was always something I knew I'd need to remember. "Never take cookie out of the oven without the mits" or "make sure the people you spend the most time with deserve it"" I smiled weakly and grabbed my paper and refolded it. "She was quite wise." I let out a small laugh as did others. "I'm sure mom would've been very happy to know all of you cared enough to take time out of your day to come here. Thank you." I stepped back from the podium and went to sat back down (which was way easier said then done).Bills mom went to speak next and as she stood I caught hold of Bill looking sad. I felt bad for not talking to him, but I didn't think I needed to apologize. I fell even deeper into my chair and cried harder as my aunt spoke of different memories of my mother.