Forever Yours

Reasons [30]

30. Reasons

Maureen

"How much longer, Maureen?" Justin puffed, running alongside me. I checked my watch.

"Five more minutes - will make forty five," I managed breathlessly.

"I signed on for thirty!" He protested.

"Shh," I puffed. "Can't breathe."

It was seven in the morning and somewhat chilly. I wore a jacket and long pants as Justin and I ran through the little woody acreage at the back of our estate. But beads of perspiration still fell down my face as I puffed for breath.

I didn't know it then, but today would be a memorable day- and not just because of the fact that six months ago, on this day exactly, I met Ryan for the first time.

They say time heals all wounds. I no longer believed that was true... just thinking of him dredged up the same hollow, pulsing ache in my chest. The same heartbroken tears to smart in my eyes. The memories were still there, and they pulsed in my mind as fresh as if it were only yesterday.

But it wasn't. It had ended over five weeks ago. Fifty-three days, to be exact. I had even kept count.

My life hadn't gone back to normal in all that time. I went back to working for Dad, but only after taking a three week hiatus. I stopped going places altogether... I rarely needed to call on Sam (my Stan Lee driver) because there was no longer a need to. Dad let me go back to driving my own car and I never saw Carl except for when it was unavoidable. Occasionally, I thought of calling Sasha or Gina - even Darren - if only to talk to someone who knew him, who could tell me something of how he was doing these days... but I'd always stop myself, once even ending the call midway through a second ring. It wasn't something Dad had expressly warned me against but I couldn't bear to do anything more that would cross him... Besides. It would bring back too many memories, make the reality of losing him all the more real. Two concepts I was desperately trying to avoid.

Another thing had changed too, but something somewhat more joyful. I was going to be an aunt, for the first time.

Lauren, my older sister, had called last week to tell us that she was pregnant.

Mom cried. Cara and Ashley shrieked and screamed for ten minutes. Dad had laughed and grabbed Mom into a hug. They would be grandparents. Justin shrugged, saying, "It's about time." My little brothers and sisters jumped up and down, laughing and screaming. Dad immediately summoned his assistant and told him to cancel all of his appointments for the weekend- we were going to Nevada. We flew down, all nine of us, and spent four days with my sister and her husband, Fred Downey, on their sprawling ranch.

He was a giant teddy bear, Fred. Standing at six and a half feet tall, he loomed over all of us, wearing this huge, happy grin and a cowboy's hat. When he crushed Justin into a bear hug, slapping him on the back, Justin coughed, choking. "Dude- can't- breathe!" Fred released him immediately, laughing an apology and Justin turned to me, wincing. "Maureen, rub my back- I think he bruised it." I laughed and complied. I ended up fetching him a bag of ice too.

Fred was eight years older than my sister. They got married in May of last year. I was happy for them, even though I felt even more broken inside. Where was my happy ever after?

Lauren had pulled me aside, trilling something about showing me the ultrasound pictures when everyone asked where we were going. Instead, she dragged me to her bedroom, pushed me down on the bed and gave me a look, her brown eyes warm. "Alright, tell me."