Forever Yours

Stopped Clocks [33]

33.

Maureen

With a gasp- and before I'd even fully registered what was happening- I lifted my arms and twined them around his neck. He didn't break his hold, only moved one hand from my face to wrap around me, pulling me tightly against him. I felt the blood fill my cheeks as my heart thundered in my chest. It had been so long. I had missed him so much but as his arms tightened around me, I felt it all the more keenly - the feeling hitting me like a hammer blow. His lips were rough and gentle, cold and warm, firm and soft all at once. Rain spattered onto my face as he pushed my hair back. Ryan was kissing me. And I didn't know why but I didn't bother to ask.

"I'm sorry," he said against my lips, his voice hoarse. He cupped my cheek, his thumb rubbing over my wet skin. "I'm so sorry..."

I froze.

Because his sorry sounded too much like a goodbye.

My arms slid from his neck and my heels hit the ground. He was saying goodbye, wasn't he? He was saying it wasn't enough, all that I'd said.

"Why are you saying sorry?" I asked hoarsely. I felt like I already knew the answer but I had to know for sure. I needed him to say it and make it true. I stared up at him, into his burning, pain-filled eyes, and waited, as if to hear of my execution, for his answer.

"For everything I said." He said, looking down at me with an expression that was surprised I didn't know. I felt only bewilderment. "It wasn't true, any of it. I'm so sorry." My mind spun. When? What words? He must have seen my panicked confusion because he shook his head quickly, as if angry with himself. "The day we broke up, Maureen. I said horrible things. I was so... angry, angry that you were leaving, angry that I couldn't make you stay. I'm so sorry for hurting you-"

"What are you talking about?" I interrupted, my confusion quickly growing into a bizarre combination of bewildered relief. "You have nothing to apologize for - it was all me."

"No, no, it wasn't... you weren't all to blame. I knew about your dad and I did nothing. I should have. It would have proved it, to you, to him, the way I feel about you..." He sounded tortured, self-loathing.

"Ryan-"

"I don't know what's changed, but you're here and you're back, and I thought I'd moved on but I haven't, not even a little bit," he was talking so fast, I almost couldn't make out the words he was saying. He gripped me suddenly and I stared up at him, feeling small next to the strength of him.

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

"I should have never let you walk away. And I lied when I said that we were a mistake. We weren't. Not for a second."

I hadn't realized my face had crumpled until he pulled me against him and my face was against his chest, my tears mingling on his rain-spattered skin.

We weren't a mistake. The words slipped like healing balm down into my heart, weaving its way through its shattered rooms. We weren't a mistake. Everything in me was pounding in time with the tears gushing from my eyes. We weren't a mistake...

He held me and the rain kept falling all around us. I could feel it spattering into my hair, dripping down over my jacket. And time felt frozen, like all the clocks in the world had suddenly stopped turning. Distantly, like a dream, I could hear the waves crashing along the shore and the sound of thunder, rolling across the sky. But the only sound that was clear, the only sound that mattered, was his heartbeat, racing quickly beneath my ear. The sound of his breath, coming and going. The whispering sound of my heart slowly fusing itself back together.