Chronically On Auto Focus

One: The Rock Show

You know those young adult movies that always have some sort of action montage before a freeze frame where the protagonist always has to break the fourth wall asking the viewers, "you're probably wondering how I ended up in this mess?" Most likely a movie broadcasted on the Disney Channel; maybe even Nickelodeon. Yeah, THOSE kind of movies. ADHD is like having a brain that does impulsive montages and then having a frozen moment of clarity where you wonder what the hell you were thinking, only life is a constant replay of that montage. Every single scene, different impulsive actions, same freeze frame fourth wall moments. No plot, just chaos incarnate with small breaks of calm. Just enough calm to lure unsuspecting victims into a false sense of security, then bam. Back to the mess I call my life. Rotten tomatoes would probably give this life a 58%. Plot could have had potential, had it not been all over the place and poorly executed.

Our story begins just as any cult classic disaster movie would, with myself sitting in a Starbucks drive thru contemplating why my brain thought it would be a great idea to buy VIP for the one band I had been trying to avoid since her death. Not just any VIP upgrade, but the most expensive package available. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely loved Set It Off. They had been a favorite band of mine since the fifth grade, when my older sister took me to my first concert. Even though it had been a few years, they still made a top five list of best bands to see live. Always a great performance where good memories are always guaranteed. Well, they used to be. Things were never the same once Rachel passed away. I tried to watch them, but every time I did it just felt wrong.

So why did I buy tickets in the first place, let alone VIP? More accurately, the question should be who. My cousin, Cameron, had yet to attend her first concert. Her favorite band happened to be Set It Off, so on a whim for her 12th birthday I surprised her with tickets and VIP upgrades so she could see her first live show and meet her favorite band up close. Sounded like a great idea, until I remembered why I stopped going to their shows in the first place. It hurt too much to continue.

I took a deep breath to collect myself before placing our drink order, sighing as I pulled up to the first window. I could not hide from them forever. It was bound to happen sooner or later, especially because I worked in the industry. Set It Off were only getting more and more popular, and they deserved all the success too. Through everything that came at them, they stormed through. Chasing dreams until their legs gave out and they made it a reality. I thought about how Rachel would have been so disappointed I stopped making YouTube videos. She, Maxx, and Cody were a strong voice in my decision to start making vlogs. Vlogs turned into music journalism and I would film cool interviews with bands as well as my own concert vlogs. Once Rachel died I could not pull it together enough to make videos. I did miss making them, but grief put me on an indefinite hiatus. Cameron had seen my old concert vlogs with Rachel and always loved them, and being an open camera venue I brought my DSLR just in case. Considering this was her first ever show, I thought it would make a super cool comeback after three years of not posting.

"Hey Miriam," Cameron asked. "Now that we have our Starbucks do you think we can film a cool intro?"

"Yeah, for sure. Let me just park real quick and then we can set up the shot."

I quickly pulled into a free parking space before adjusting the camera on my dashboard. Once I was sure we were recording I took another couple deep breaths and a long sip of my iced cinnamon dolce almond milk macchiato. Such was my usual go-to order. As I sipped I sat in thought, attempting to settle the anxiety brewing. Three years since I had last spoken into a camera.

If there was a Heaven, I had hoped Rachel would see this video and be proud of the steps I was taking to get back into the swing of things. The hardest part about recording concert vlogs were hands down the intro and outro. The first two times I tried recording the intro I had stumbled on my wording. I truly had forgotten how awkward it was to speak to a camera.