A More Personal Approach

Religion

I grew up with a christian mother and an atheist father. My mom would take my sister and I to church every Sunday while my dad stayed home. It was very routine and helped me get closer to my mother whom I often did not see. What I did not enjoy from the experience was what it had influenced my young mind to think. 

At a young age, what you perceive the first time is what sticks with you. Although church does not hold the same effect for everyone, this is what I got from it. I remembered thinking that if I sinned I would go straight to hell. I spent hours praying, literally begging, for forgiveness. I know now that the things I did were trivial and childish, nothing that would have been deemed a sin. It just so happened that I took religion so seriously my little mind couldn't handle it. 

As I grew older, I felt lots of hatred for how dedicated I had been. During this time I was also diagnosed with anxiety and stopped going to church. My dad, who let me remind you had been atheist all his life, suddenly decided to go to church. He would drag me along saying it was a family thing but this only made church a trigger for more anxiety. I was very frustrated with my dad for not understanding but I was even more upset with the 'heavenly father' for letting my life be so miserable. However, that has more to do with my daddy issues and I will delve into that some other time.

Eventually I had stopped going to church but had not yet declared myself no longer christian. The first time I had admitted to my mom I no longer believed in God, she flipped. I still don't think she's accepted it. At least I no longer have to go to church. 

I had not sworn religion off so I wouldn't have to go to church. The truth was way more complicated. I had, and still have, a big problem with the idea of religion. I hated how people made all these things up to go to some better place when they die. I hated how the higher beings in almost all religions looked down on humanity as less than them. I was mad that the higher beings could get away with being wrong just because they were the center of a religion. There was just so much pent up anger in me as I continued to think about religion.

I questioned the authority of a god. Using Christianity as an example, I hated how God would kill sinners or expect his son to die so humanity could be saved. There were so many things in the bible that I found morally wrong but Christians would wave it off claiming that God was good and all powerful. I totally respect that maybe he did do many good things because he loved his creation of humans; what I cannot accept is his readiness to accept his position as God when he is every bit as flawed as humanity. I found this as a trend for most religions. If a religion had no higher being then they had some universal cause that they were willing to kill to fulfill.

I think in those days when I couldn't leave my room, I had found many reasons to hate the concept of religion. The main one was that it set humanity against each other. I felt that so many of us were hurting but we were either relying on a flawed God or following some cause that would ultimately bring peace. I wanted us to rely on each other, Why couldn't we just be kind to each other instead of sinning and then expecting a higher being to fix it all?

When people ask me if I am atheist or not, I tend to say atheist. The truth is that I am open to all possibilities. For all I know the Buddha exists alongside God. I don't really care. What matters to me is that I hold no respect for any higher beings or ideas. I believe solely in humanity and kindness. I think we need to help each other and save ourselves.

Even if there is a God out there, I cannot respect someone who sits on their high horse all day thinking they are making all the right choices. So what if they have powers? Their not changing much anyways. They want to give us free will? Well what happens when people go too far? The higher being is going to get angry and zap us all? There is no right or wrong answer here but apparently the choice that God makes will be 'righteous.' See where I'm going with this?\

I am not saying don't have a religion or give up on your current belief. I am just stating that I have many questions about the idea of religion and so therefore do not want to respect any higher beings. Just as I respect others' choices I hope they too can come to accept mine.

I know most people don't care what do or do not believe in. I think my message today was more geared toward those adults who ask my sister how I am doing and saying they will pray for me. This message was for my mother and my aunt and my friend, all of whom keep trying to get me to return to believing in God. It is not how many people respect your decision but who respects your decision. 

I am thankful everyday to my sister who accepted my choice wholeheartedly despite being a devout Christian. That is how it should be. I'm still me with or without God. I'm no less without him. If anything I think I see a lot clearer now, too clear but clear all the same.

Maybe I should just come to terms with the fact that some people never change. I mean I don't love my mom any less just because she does not approve of my decision. And those people at church who ask about me can only mean well. They can be ashamed for me all they want but that doesn't have to affect me. I aim to spread love in a world full of hatred and being upset with them does me no good anyways.

For some reason or another I am very passionate on this subject. Forgive me if I sounded a little extreme but such is just my opinion. What are your thoughts?

xoxo,

~fatsotheawesome🕊

P.S shout out to @Affiinfinity for being so supportive of this book from the beginning! I truly appreciate it :))