A More Personal Approach

Letting People Go

I had always told myself that I would cherish all of my friends until the day I died. I told myself I would always miss them if they left and that missing them was an obligation. It felt wrong to not miss them, almost as if I was dishonoring their memory and them as people.

I was wrong. Sure, I can hold on to any memory I want and honor it as I see fit. But there are indefinitely people you must let go. Not necessarily for your own good but theirs as well.

So far in my life, there are only one or two of these people. But today we are focusing on one person. And honestly he may very well see or read this one day. And I hope he does.

I guess this chapter is sort of going to be me convincing myself I did the right thing. That maybe I should put it all behind me and stop trying to think of ways I could have handled the situation better.

Honestly I should just start explaining before anyone gets too confused.

It started a few months back. I met someone as broken as I was. We shared many of the same values and beliefs; we even shared some of the same experiences.

I was as open with him as I was to my close friends even from the start. I was careful, however, to not fall for him. I'm not sure why but something about him felt off.

I soon began to realize that despite being just as broken as I was, he was less mature. He sought solace in relationships whether it was with friends or other partners. Mainly he was seeking a relationship romantically. I tried my hardest to tell him he wasn't ready for more relationships but he wouldn't listen. He was a true romantic, throwing out reason in the hopes of emotional healing.

Our interactions eventually became flirty, albeit mainly from him. I will admit that I did try to reciprocate the flirtation but it was out of selfish curiosity. Despite it only being a few days, I feel endless guilt that I may have led him on. I'm not a saint. I completely admit that it was morally wrong.

I pondered for a few days on if I could even imagine a future with him but the immediate answer had always been no. It would have been a lifetime of keeping him happy and making sure he was ok. I can't even care for myself much less another person. I also couldn't imagine living so miserably for the sake of another's happiness.

I tried to distance myself from him and made every excuse not to hang out. It was at school that I could not avoid him. He would walk me to classes or give me hugs out of the blue and as much as he tried to be okay with it, I was not.

I asked many people for advice but some part of me wasn't ready to carry out their words. The most common answer was to tell him to back off. I actually had to friend zone him twice but it still didn't work. He would still be touchy and clingy.

As a side note, when I told him I didn't not feel for him romantically he acted as if he were fine. When I checked my social media I found posts that were indefinitely aimed at me but never mentioned my name. A friend was able to confirm it was about me. I felt so much guilt even though I had done the right thing.

For a few days I walked around hiding and ducking in avoidance of him. I didn't want to face the situation. Some of it was me not wanting to face the problem, some of it was me not wanting to hurt him. And by far the worst, some of it was me not being able to give up being loved in such a way.

I knew deep down that I had to give him up. And here is where I continue to question if I did the right thing. My friend offered to tell him off and I accepted. She sent him some brutal messages to back off and he hasn't talked to me since.

I feel infinite guilt that he had to hear it from someone other than myself. I know what it's like to be left behind without another word. I know the pain of waiting for the person who hurt you to just at least say goodbye. But I also learned why that person chose to just leave. Sometimes leaving without a word is the best answer. Sometimes there are things better left unsaid.

Or maybe I'm just trying to justify my actions. I'm torn between sacrificing my happiness for his or letting him suffer to figure his life out as I live my own. Although I know being good to myself is not selfish, it feels morally wrong. I had lived by a policy of self sacrifice for so long it was hard to choose myself over him.

Anyways, that's the entire situation more or less. Any thoughts? I feel so stuck and any advice would be helpful. Thanks!

Xoxo
~fatsotheawesome