A More Personal Approach

Learning Independence

I walked around today. For no reason. I walked into a church despite being atheist. Then I walked into a store though I don't particularly like to shop. I just did everything on an impulse.

I know that's sort of a random way to start off a chapter but honestly that impulsiveness is what inspired this chapter.

Recently I cut myself off from some very toxic "friends." One of the two I had known for almost fourteen years and we had always considered each other best friends. But our relationship was a turbulent one and sooner or later the boat was going to flip.
I was always told by my mother that this "friend" was no friend at all. I never believed her mostly because I didn't want to.
All my life I had few friends and struggled to get along with anyone at all. I latched on to anyone who made me feel needed and loved even if it meant groveling at their feet and serving them. An exaggeration of course but I truly did go out of my way to please and keep this toxic person in my life.
I was and still am awkward. I had few friends and my parents were rarely home from work long enough to hang out. All I had was my nanny and sister. I was desperate for company. Perhaps it was human nature or all those books I read about the popular kids that had everything they wanted, but I hated being alone. I liked attention whether good or bad because I was so starved of it.
It would be this desperation to keep this toxic person in my life as well as my lack of self esteem and self knowledge that would soon push this friendship over the edge.
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So I wrote all of that ^ about two months ago when the pain was still fresh. I kind of forgot I wrote that at all if I'm being honest. Looking back I'm faring quite well. I think in many ways I finally moved on and I am free. I started to hang out with people that actually cared about me and I had the confidence to dress and act the way I want.
In the fourteen years I knew this person I only tried to push them away once and I was manipulated to remain in the friendship. I never realized how wrong this was until recently, that was the amount of faith I had in this person.
The ridiculous thing is that it wasn't a conscious decision that I made to take myself out of the situation, it just sort of happened. We had a bad argument and I just decided enough was enough. I didn't want to talk to them so I didn't. And then quarantine happened and all communication slowly died out. Fourteen years faded to nothing in less than a month.
I know that this chapter must be very confusing but I just wanted to show people that things do turn out better in time. I think a lot of people say to wait things out and then you are just left there with that empty phrase telling you to wait. I wanted to give an example of how fourteen shitty years became something beautiful that allowed me to grow. So I hope this encourages some people to keep holding on!

XOXO,
fatsotheawesome🕊