The Tales of a Professional Hockey Player

Chapter 20: Wedding Night

~Eleanor~

Ben's skin is soft. So soft that, when I grab his hands as we dance, I can't help but caress the skin between his thumb and index as I think about all the times he touched me with those hands. I'm glad I decided to get drunk tonight. I made the decision while delivering my speech during dinner. I wanted to forget that I had lost my opportunity to ever get married too. I wanted to blur everything that would happen after saying the words I was supposed to dedicate to my brother, but that Ben had inspired. He was behind every word, and I think he noticed. The way we interact with each other has changed a lot in the past few days, and I have to admit I'm glad we are slowly getting back to the way we were a long time ago. As I sway us from side to side, the only thing I want is to pull him closer, but I have no idea if he would be ok with it. It's when I get a small draft of his Cologne that I can't help myself anymore. I just bend our shoulders to be able to lay my head on his shoulder and close my eyes. Right then, I'm able to forget everything that happened between us. Maybe it's the four martinis I've had or the nostalgia I feel from feeling him so close to me, but I convince myself that we're ok. We're ok enough for me to want to kiss the soft skin above his collarbone that shows above the collar of his shirt. He always loved to be kissed there. Even the slightest brush of fingers or lips in that area makes him shudder. I remember all there is to know about Ben's body. I know he loves having his hair played with and that he hates anyone touching his feet. No one will ever know him like I do. For an unknown reason, the fact makes me smile.

A few minutes after I laid my head on his shoulder, he pulls away from my touch. I open my eyes and pout as I look up at him.

"Let's go," he says, his voice barely audible in the noise that surrounds us. I shake my head. I don't want to leave because I don't want to be alone. Once we get to the hotel, I'll be alone in my room, and I'm afraid of what the silence will do to me. I don't even have Ophelia who taking care of would have been a distraction. I'll be alone with my thoughts and no amount of alcohol will deliver me from them. I start to walk away from him, but he grabs my arm. "Don't you think you've had enough to drink?" I shake my head even though I know he's right. I have never drunk this much in my entire life. My head already pounds and my legs feel heavy, but still, I don't want to leave.

"We need to call Olive, Ella. About Ophelia." Hearing our daughter's name stops me from walking towards the bar. I miss her. I know I've seen her only a few hours ago, but it still has been too long since I've had an update. When she's with Ben, I get news every hour or so. He takes my freezing as an opportunity to pull me towards him. We start walking still holding hands in the direction of the hotel.

"You think we'll be able to FaceTime Olive? I want to see Oph's face. I miss her face," I announce, my voice sad. I picture Ophelia's small face in my mind. I think I must have closed my eyes in the process because the next thing I know, Ben's hand tightens on my arm as I feel my right foot drop from the sidewalk. He stays silent as I chuckle for the rest of the walk. My eyes feel heavier with every step and I reach my limit when we step into the elevator. I rest my head on his shoulder once again to eliminate the heaviness in my neck. I know I'll have to let him go once we get to my room, but I really don't want to. Maybe, if I ask, he'll stay with me. I've been feeling this urge to get close to him again lately, but I don't know if it's because he's the only man I'm around of if I really want him. And, right now, I don't care at all. I am lonely and he's there.

I hear the ding from the elevator telling me we're at my floor. We both get out and start walking. I am excited to see what will happen next. I am not nervous at all when I grab the collar of his shirt to pull him in my room. He doesn't say anything. He lets me pull him inside and even closes the door behind him. We stare deep in each other's eyes and I allow myself to touch his chest with my hand. Almost instantly, I feel his muscles tense under my touch. I hear him exhale deeply and see him close his eyes a reaction that only encourage me to continue. The alcohol guides my hands lower on his abdomen until they rest right above his belt buckle. It's as if a mix of desire and all the alcohol I drank has taken over my body. I don't think straight and the only thing on my mind is Ben's body. I want to see his tattoos and discover if he got more done, I want to press my fingers in the spaces between his abs and press my lips on his collarbones. I want to feel him close again, feel the warmth of his skin on mine and the softness of his lips as they run all over my skin. I want him to show me he hasn't forgotten about me, that he still knows me.

I look back up at him only to see him shake his head, his eyes still closed. I wrap my hands around his neck and pull him towards me. He tries to pull back but ends up letting me do what I want. The warmth of his breath washes over me when our faces are only inches apart. I can already smell the mint from the mojito on his tongue which only makes me want him more. I get up on the tip of my toes and press my lips on his, hard. Relief floods through me as soon as our lips brushed. I finally feel like I am not alone anymore. After a few seconds, he finally starts kissing me back. We start kissing like we used to. His tongue pushes to enter my mouth after my teeth dug into his lower lip. My legs that already felt weak threaten to give up on me, so I start pushing Ben towards the bed. Trying to do so while not disconnecting our lips proves to be a challenge when my feet get stuck in the rug. I hear myself chuckle, but I am not really conscious of what I am doing. My body has a mind of its own that is probably driven by the amount of gin I had to drink. I end up throwing myself on the bed thinking he would join me, but he stays put at the end of the bed. I motion for him to come closer with my index, but he only shakes his head in response.

"Not like this, Ella," he says when I ask him why not.

"Not like what?" I sit on the edge of the bed and try to grab his hands, but he takes a few steps back. I try to act as if the rejection doesn't affect me, but it does. My heart stings in a way only he can hurt me.

"Not while you're drunk. I don't want you to hate me tomorrow morning." It's my turn to shake my head.

"I won't hate you. I want you now and I'll want you tomorrow. And I am not that drunk anymore." I sound desperate. I hate it. But I need him in a way he doesn't understand. It's a visceral need only him can fill, because only him knows me enough. I get up from the bed and walk towards him on wobbly legs. He backs away too but is stuck when he reaches the wall. "You promised to never reject me. When we had that fight, remember?" If he rejects me now, how could anyone else ever want me? Even the man who pretends to still be in love with me rejects me. I press my hand on his cheek to caress his jaw with my thumb. I reach up to kiss him, but his hands on my hips push me away.

"I can't, Ella. I'll never be able to live with myself if I do this tonight." This third rejection pours anger in my veins. Instead of caressing his cheek, I start to hit his shoulders with my hands.

"Leave then! I want you to leave, Benjamin Johnson! I hate you; I'll always hate you," I scream my face only inches from his. He nods but stays put. "I told you I wanted you gone," I scream again as tears start flowing down my cheeks. I know I'll regret the words tomorrow, but I convince myself I mean them tonight. He starts walking to the door, and without a single look back, he's gone. The door softly closes behind him. The silence floods through me as soon as I notice the emptiness around me. I instantly regret throwing him out the way I did. I lied when I said I wasn't drunk anymore. I know the martinis are still flowing down my veins when I open the bedroom's door to shout in the hallway.

"Ben!" He's waiting for the elevator only a few meters away from me. "Don't leave, come back, please," I loudly plead, my voice full of tears. He looks at me for about a minute before nodding. He walks back in the room without saying a word.

"I am not going to have sex with you," he states, his voice clear after I've shut the door behind him.

"I know." I grab a tissue from the box he hands out to me and loudly blow my nose.

"But I'll stay until you fall asleep if that's what you want." I feel my head nod, and suddenly my whole body feels heavy. I'm tired. No, I'm exhausted. I climb on the bed and he sits beside me. I rest my head on his chest and close my eyes. The last thing I think about before drifting to sleep is how much I love hearing his heartbeat through the material of his shirt. It always soothed me, and it seems to do the same tonight.