Proxy

Right Now

I haven't ever had such a sense of terror in my entire life until I've read this book. I've read it over and over and over. There's things in it I wish I didn't have to share, but it would be a disappointment if I didn't do it, right? Well, here we go I guess. 

Journal Entry 16

 The booze has stopped working and my stomach hurts at all times. Maybe it's because I don't eat anymore. Why eat, all I want to do is die and forget. The burns have healed, after all it's been a month since I've last written in here. The scars are ugly, and no matter how much makeup I put on it doesn't cover them. 

The bar doesn't let me in anymore on account of the fight I caused last time I was there. I don't know what the fuck their problem was, people fight in there all the time and they don't get banned from coming back. Then again, most of those fights don't end in someone nearly dying. But it wasn't my fault, that pervert groped me, so I punched him, repeatedly. Oh well, I don't need the drinks anyways.

I wish I could say I was alone, but I'm not, I guess after not talking to someone for nearly four months, is that right? Four months, would really worry someone. And it did. Stupidly. At one point I did have friends. Dear friends, but I cut them all off after grandmas death. Most of them have stayed away, smart bastards. Madison isn't as smart. She's tried her hardest to be here for me and take care of me. The damn girl wouldn't go away no matter how hard I shoved. And now she's here. She showed up at my house with several large bags and a shocked expression on her face. She sat there hugging my for ten minutes, crying saying how worried about me she was. 

Apparently I don't look like myself, I look dead. I look on the outside how I feel on the inside. If only I really could die.