Proxy

Journal Entry 2

It's dark outside, my head is pounding and everything hurts. It's been a day or two since I wrote the first entry, and things were fine until tonight. I woke up at 3:14 in the AM with bruises along my arms and legs. Like something had grabbed me roughly and hurt me, my body hurts so bad. I feel like I should remember what happened but I don't, it's like a giant gaping black hole in my memory, stopping me from remembering what happened. I cannot keep waking up like this, I cannot keep living like this. These stupid nightmares... these... injuries that I manage to sustain at night and at night only. Why is this happening? Why must I be the one to suffer this trauma? I've been through so much already so why? I... I need to stop pitying myself, grandma wouldn't let me do that. She would grab my by the hand and say "Now, girl, you best shape up and not dwell on this torture." She was always so much stronger than me, I wish I could find strength. Maybe I should pray, I mean, I don't pray ever. I quit going to church when I was 16 and had my first boyfriend, he would take me and we would run around the wilderness until dark. Grams never approved that, she didn't like him. She thought he was bad news for me, and maybe that's true. I haven't seen him since then we broke up and never spoke again. I fell from my faith, blaming god for all my suffering, which is certainly the wrong thing to do but oh well. I could care less. I do care less, actually. I will try praying, and see if that makes me feel better.