timing | kim seungmin

15 | last...

i quickly wiped away the tear on my face.

"what, no, i'm not crying," i said. "a snowflake on my face melted."

"are you sure you're okay?" renjun asked. "mistaking a tear for a snowflake is not normal."

i laughed at his joke.

"really though, you seem like there's something on your mind. i'm here to listen if you want to talk..."

"i'm telling you, i'm fine," i said. "let's order some food."

"okay, if you say so," renjun said.

we ordered some warm drinks and some pastries.

as we waited, i found myself staring out the window, watching the snow fall.

it's the first snow, and i'm with renjun, but why do i feel so sad? and why do i keep thinking of what happened earlier... am i jealous? no way.

"minjoo?" renjun said.

"huh?" i returned my attention to him.

"you're spacing out again..."

"ah, sorry," i apologized.

the rest of the time, both of us were really quiet. i just didn't feel like talking, and renjun seemed to notice.

☆☆☆

we were still silent as we walked in the snow. we ended up back at the park, which the ground was now being covered with patches of snow.

renjun abruptly stopped in his tracks, and i stopped along with him.

"we first started dating on november eleventh," renjun said. "it's been over a month..."

i remained quiet.

"at first i was so happy that you accepted my confession," he said. "i was so happy that i finally got to date my crush."

i listened, and renjun talked as he looked down at the snow.

"i don't know if it was because i knew that you were now officially my girlfriend," renjun continued. "but i paid more attention to your actions..."

i was silent, but inside my head i was trying to predict what he was going to say.

"you... still like kim seungmin, not me," renjun said.

i--

i'm supposed to deny it. but why can't i say anything?

"at the lunch table, you always glance at seungmin and chaewon, and i can see it clearly on your face how jealous you are."

...

"and when i'm on dates with you, you often space out... i can't help but guess that it's because you're thinking about him."

i wanted to say something, but i couldn't speak.

"i thought dating me could make you forget about your feelings for seungmin, but love doesn't work like that," renjun sighed. "i shouldn't have confessed that day. i'm sorry, for making you go through this..."

renjun looked at me, then back at the snow on the ground.

"i'm so sorry, but i think this is the right choice," renjun sighed, hesitating. "let's..."

i already knew what was coming.

"...break up," renjun finished.

his words rang inside my head. i've been such a bad girlfriend.

we both stayed still, not knowing what to say next.

"you can hate me all you want..." renjun spoke. "it's my fault, i'm sorry--"

"why? why are you apologizing?" i said louder than i thought, and i knew i was tearing up because my lips were trembling.

renjun seemed shocked at my reaction.

"it's my fault for not understanding my own feelings and as a result hurting you!" i was technically hysterical right now.

was i sad or angry? i don't know, i can't control my emotions.

"why do you have to be so nice? who are you to apologize to me?!" i screamed, not even knowing what the hell i was saying, and i just broke down in front of renjun.

i continued to cry as i felt renjun's arms around me.

"it's not your fault, don't blame yourself," renjun said. "i'm the one to blame."

i couldn't even refute because i was busy crying.

we stayed like that for a while, me crying into renjun's shoulder as he patted my back. the snow seemed to pour even harder. is the sky crying with me?

later when i was a bit calmed down and  we parted, i noticed that renjun had streaks of tears on his face too.

"why are you crying, you idiot," i sniffed, rummaging through my bag to find a pack of tissues.

"i'm sorry," renjun said for the zillionth time.

"no me," i said.

"what, not even no you, but no me?" renjun laughed.

we laughed, but i can't say there were no bitter feelings hidden in our laughter.

first snow, last date...

☆☆☆

i didn't even have the time to sort out my feelings about breaking up because i had to face renjun again at school the next day. i can't avoid him, he's my deskmate!

when i stepped into the classroom in the morning, i saw that renjun was already here. i walked to my seat quietly and sat down, then proceeded to stare at my desk.

"you're not sick, right?" renjun asked. "it was really cold yesterday..."

"...i don't even deserve to receive your worry," i mumbled.

"i told you not to blame yourself."

"i can't do that."

"...i know it might take a while, but promise me to get over this," renjun said. "or else i'll forever blame myself for being the cause of your unhappiness."

"shouldn't i be the one saying that to you?" i said, looking at him.

"i'll be okay, don't worry about me," renjun grinned. "i'm the one who made the decision anyway."

☆

i hated typing this whole chapter. i'm so sorry minjun shippers...

side note i love son dongpyo, who agrees with me

WTH CHOI BYUNGCHAN IS LEAVING PDX101 NOOOOO