Honey Drip // Danny Wagner

II

Though the campus library was quiet, I couldn't concentrate on the literary paper I had to finish by the next day. I hadn't meant to avoid Danny since the party but in the four days following, our texts had been few and far between and I hadn't made a point to see him in person--or vice versa. I felt bad about it--I didn't want to give him the cold shoulder or any mixed signals--but I was wrapped up in my own feelings, feelings I couldn't even completely decipher.

Josh's pen tapping my laptop broke me out of my daze, my eyes dry from staring blankly at the half-completed document on the screen.

"Need a break?" Josh asked.

"No, I'm good," I told him. "Just zoning out."

"I'm stuck reading this dissertation on Gone With The Wind," Josh replied, looking back down at the thick bunch of papers he had printed out, parts of it highlighted in yellow ink.

"For your American film course?"

"Yeah."

"Meanwhile I'm stuck on a too-long poem about a giant bird," I grumbled.

"What?"

"The Rime of the Ancient Mariner," I said and sighed. "It's just a lot. And we only had a couple days to do this."

"Take a break," Josh insisted. "I need more coffee and you probably do too."

I shut my laptop. "Alright, we'll get coffee but then it's right back to it, okay?"

Josh grinned.

Leave it to both of us and our procrastination to not, in fact, get right back to it. We got our second cups of coffee and then decided by merely looking at one another, to leave the library cafe and go back outside. It was quiet with it being colder--fellow students were mostly just passing by, no one hanging out on the grass of the quad or the scattered picnic tables. It didn't matter much though--Josh and Sam had carved out a secret trail behind campus when classes had first started.

Josh led the way behind the alum building to a patch of woods, the trail they had made so new and faint among the brush and trees I was a little surprised he could find it. It wasn't long before we made it to the other side, a clearing that faced the train tracks, still concealed by the woods surrounding.

I set my bag down on the ground and then situated myself next to it, carefully resting my coffee on a patch of dirt that seemed even enough to not let it immediately topple over. Josh sat down next to me, crossing his legs and rummaging through his bag. He pulled out a silver cigarette case and a lighter, opening the case to reveal a small joint.

"I can't believe you carry that around," I said with a laugh.

Josh smiled. "So far no one's found it," he said and put the joint between his lips and lit it, inhaling deeply before handing it to me. "Are you coming to our show tonight?"

I had almost forgotten completely about Greta Van Fleet's show at the little seedy dive bar downtown and, with Josh sparking my memory, I immediately thought of seeing Danny--and who knows, maybe Alexis in that case.

I hesitated for too long before taking a hit off the joint. "Well--" I began and Josh immediately cut me off.

"Oh come on, you have to come," he said. "We're gonna need you in that sea of strangers."

"I wanna go, I just--" I paused again, taking another quick hit before giving the joint back to Josh. I was feeling a little buzzed already--part coffee, part weed--and I reminded myself that Josh already knew Danny and I had been hooking up--so why not tell him about the party?

"Okay, so Sam, Danny and I went to that guy's party on Saturday," I began and Josh nodded. "It was fine, whatever. But Alexis was there and she and Danny were--canoodling."

Josh looked to the side, twisting his lower lip into sort of a frown. "Oh."

"But it's even worse than that, Josh," I went on. "Because right before that I--I fucking went down on Danny in the bedroom."

It was hard to tell if Josh was about to laugh or not, but I could tell he was stifling a loud reaction of some kind. He took a hit and then coughed, the laughter he had indeed failed to stifle causing all the smoke to puff out of his mouth.

"I know, I know," I said, taking the joint back.

"No, I'm not judging you," Josh assured me. "But it is sort of funny. Like, Danny? Danny let you do that?"

"Okay, well it took a little convincing, I guess," I said. "But yes, we did that. Then like two minutes later Alexis is dangling her legs over him."

"They did date for a long time, you know," Josh said, taking a sip of his coffee, his eyes starting to look a little bloodshot. "She was probably his first love."

"I know. And I know I have no right to feel any way about it," I replied, trying to not think about how I hadn't even ever had a first love. "Because this was, you know, our arrangement, I guess."

Josh paused for a moment before saying, "You can still be upset about it."

Those words of validation alone, plus being stoned, made me feel better. I passed the tiny stub of joint back to Josh so he could finish it off and leaned back on my palms.

"Thanks," I said, squinting out at the train tracks. "I appreciate that."

"I'm not gonna pressure you about the show," Josh said. "But I'd like for you to be there, of course. I'm sure Danny feels the same."

I chuckled, looking down at the grass between my legs. "Oh, I'm sure."

Josh scooted over to me and laid his arm over my shoulders. "Tell me something--do you like our boy Daniel?"

"I like all of you," I said with a sly smile, looking back out at the train tracks, trying to ignore Josh looking at me.

"You know what I mean."

I sighed. "Honestly? I don't know. Maybe, I guess. Or else why would I get at all upset about what happened?"

"Well," Josh started to say with a laugh. "I think anyone would be upset to see that after, as you said, going down on that same person."

I let my head rest on Josh's. "What a mess," I said. "I wasn't even that drunk."

"The choice is yours to get drunk or not tonight," Josh told me. "Maybe that's an incentive."