All my stars

II- Carina

Before you, I was placid. I was one with the ocean in all it's complexity. An ongoing battle at first glance yet a pure form of serenity if you bothered to look just below the surface. Now, I am as permanent as change, flowing from form to form, version to version but always change. I have realized if you do not move and take initiative while you are still here, you will wish you had once you are not.

Not everyone appreciated my attitude but I knew that did not mean something was wrong with me. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I may have put the well being of my spirit above all, but that did not contend that I rescinded responsibility for my actions. I admired the concept of accountability even when you implied that I could not simultaneously believe in a creator and free will. So when I was tired enough to consider giving up on us and you said that if it was meant to be, fate would bring us back together, my mind screamed that that was the last straw.

For a second, I wondered if you were really so naive to believe fate works like that. As if it is an entity living in the sky staring down at us. As if it has ten fingers and spends it's days moving us around in a sequence like pieces on a chess board. As if we are simply pawns in this game bigger than us all called life and it is not about the choices we make. The things we consistently decide everyday. For a second, it felt like I was Sartre and you, Descartes as I wondered who taught you that ? Tell me who tattooed it into the inside of your brain that the mind and heart you have been gifted are not yours to use ? Or that your actions will not define the nature of your destiny ? How do you believe what you do has no correlation to your influence on society, making you a puppet and so none of it being up to you ? I wanted to scream and shout that it's us, you fool. We're the only ones who can make sure we end up back together. The decision to love each other everyday and not let the circumstances destroy the completeness of what we have is solely up to you and me. We're the only people who can reach the conclusion that we're worth it.

But instead, I sat there, brain on fire and said nothing. Instead, I asked God to be with you whenever I could not. I smiled at you softly and tried not to let my eyes glaze over or subconsciously hoped you wouldn't notice. And I still can't help but think, what a tragedy ? How is it possible that I see things so clearly when it comes to us and yet, you sometimes don't even believe there is anything worth looking at ? How am I ready to dive in when you're ready to give up ?