All my stars

IX- Libra

I will never fully understand why you were so adamant about getting to know me. I who thought I was nothing out of the ordinary. And yet you still fell for little old me. The girl who could not, for the life of her, get her nose out of a book and let most of her emotions channel into anger by default. You wanted to know me better than anyone. The story behind the scar on my knee. The pleasure of being the tear that caressed my cheeks just so it could die on my lips. The one to have access to lies I had told and how I had come to learn that the best things in life, aren't things at all, but people. You wanted everything. In that you were ever so greedy. Tell me your deepest darkest secrets you'd say. "As well as the things you think mean nothing."

You loved boldly and wildly. And I loved you the only way I knew how, with a passionate tenacity and a habit of being quiet about it. You were never a secret, I just didn't know how else to care. Whether we were the perfect balance or paradox, your essence is forever etched into my mind. You made me feel alive. I marvel at the way we managed to care for each other in ways that still give me goosebumps. From subtle and intricate to big and all encompassing.

I do not believe that our stories are written in an ink so inevitable, death would object in the name of feeling cheated. No, I feel we are responsible for the things we release into our environments. We are accountable for the way we act and what we do in response to consequence. So, no, I do not believe in fate, but I do trust my faith and so I will always believe that what is for you will never escape you.

You are with us no longer but I hope you know how grateful I am to have loved you. Your existence was a magnificence I am happy to have experienced. I know no parts of me are supposed to be angry with you anymore but even then, I am unable to regret the symphony that was in the air whenever your lips met mine. I do not know why it felt like we were set in stone in those moments. As if the universe could not forget us if it tried. Maybe that's why I never saw this coming.

You know for a girl who is supposedly most expressive with words, I cannot say how sorry I am I did not tell you these things when you were alive. At the times you would just be beside me and I acted as if it was guaranteed that a day that either of us would come to cease to exist could not come. I know you would tell me it's okay and that you did not mind because my actions spoke plenty, but I still wish I gave you what you did me.

I loved you, I felt it and I wrote it down on paper. I said it in so many different ways yet I never had the guts to tell you. It got caught in my throat because back then my choices so unfortunately reflected my fears rather than my ambitions, but I think I love you. Now more than ever because, I always knew I needed to offer myself the forgiveness I instinctively give everybody else first. But your departure revealed that the reason that I needed to forgive myself most, was for not knowing better. For having done what I did with the knowledge I had at the time. For not having said the things I meant most while you were still here with me, existing in ways the world shall never fathom again. You were a dream, all I ever wanted.

- I am done pretending you weren't worth all my stars just so it'll all hurt a little less. At last my love, I have found my balance.

Exeunt Omnes