Hope is a Dangerous Thing [EDITING]

Chapter Sixteen

My hands went over my face. It was way more feminine now. Much rounder. The stubble I had worked hard for was gone. The squared off jawline I had always wanted was practically gone at this point. My chest was huge. Back to the double Ds I had before I chopped them off. No binder I could get was ever enough to even make a dent in what I was feeling. It just made them look huger than what I had ever perceived them as. I had known ace bandages would have fucked up my chances of top surgery. KT Tape couldn't help much either. But now the weight on my chest felt even heavier than it had been before the surgery. I was definitely an inch or two shorter than I had been. I had always been a tall one but I liked the few extra inches were good enough to me.

    I kept my eyes down on my face as I moved away from the mirror. It was all too much to bear at the moment. I couldn't actually bear to see my own face. I couldn't face my own demons. I was too gross for even my own eyes. I didn't want to see my own face. It reminded me way too much of the girl who had been abused at the hands of her own mother. It was the girl I had tried to run from, the family I had left for the one I had found.

    Dean wrapped his arms around me as soon as I walked out of the bathroom. None of the guys had seen my inbetween phase. The awkward middle from female to male. They had just seen me before and after all of the good cosmetic stuff I had went through. I felt Dean's chest heave as tears wet my shirt. I had barely ever seen him cry before. But this cry felt a lot more personal. He gripped me tight and rocked me back and forth. I could barely breath. Even before Dean hugged me but now I felt like I was suffocating.

    "Let go of him Dean. You're going to suffocate him to death," Sam chuckled a little bit in an attempt to lighten the mood a little bit but no one laughed except him.

    Dean did let me go, his eyes falling over my body a little bit. I sniffled under his gaze. I had gotten the stares before. The 'what is this thing' stares from conservative parents and children who didn't know any better. Now the man I loved was giving me the exact same look. I smiled at him sheepishly, placing two fingers under his chin and lifting his gaze to my eyes instead of my body. Dean blushed a deep red, even his ears turning the shade of red, as he looked me dead in the eyes. He looked ashamed, for lack of a better word. Completely and utterly ashamed.

    "I'm still the same man you guys all know and love but I think the tie I have to Elizabeth and the members is a little dangerous, especially now. If she gains life from them that means whatever life she gains is taking a little bit of life away from me as well which means I will continually regress until I am left with nothing but a cell formation...I will cease to exist. And I can't go out looking like this anyhow."

    Sam nodded a little bit, "Noah's right. He can't go out looking like this. If he was afraid of being attacked then with top surgery and more testosterone than a body builder then he will most likely be attacked now. We can't let him out of our sight now. No matter what."

    "I can call up my dogs, they can watch over me as well. I mean, if one of you has to step out."

    Dean groaned a little bit, "I guess you can do that. We've seemingly lost track of them."

    "They can only stay on earth for a few days at most unless I can power them up a little bit. I used to do it all the time in hell, give them some power but I never thought it might be connected to my own soul."

    Cas and Dean nodded in unison. James swung his arms back and forth a little bit. His face twisted in an expression that conveyed an emotion that I couldn't even begin to comprehend. My eyes darted to Dean who smiled at me. He kissed my forehead a little bit, eyes closing bit as he looked me over. My eyes moved over him as he pulled away from me. He smiled at me a little bit before turning back to his friends.