The Closet Chronicles

6. Closed Again

As soon as I closed the door to the basement, the tears started streaming down my face. Thank god for the amazing sound system we had back then, because without the music Jennifer blasted, the whole town would have heard my bawling.
"Jamie, stop! It's alright! Calm down!" No matter what Jennifer said, I could not stop. I cried for fifteen minutes, until I got the hiccups, and had to stop.
"I don't want to be gay anymore! Why did this happen to me? Why am I gay?" I ranted, and ranted, and ranted. I simply did not want to be myself. I yelled and cried, and collapsed to the floor. Jennifer came to the blubbering mess that was me, and held me in her arms.
"It's not your fault, honey. It's theirs. Being gay is not wrong. It's who you are." I caught my breath, and sat up.
"I don't think I will ever be able to come out to them," I said, my voice still shaking.
"No, probably not. But remember, I can't come out to my parents either. My dad will never walk me down the aisle. My parents won't even be at my wedding! But it's their loss." Jennifer and I sat in each other's arms until it was time for her to leave.
Once she was out the door, I flopped down on my bed. Once again, my mind was a pair of earbuds that had gone through the washing machine. I was trying to sort out my thoughts, and my feelings towards my parents, but the only thing running through my mind was Zak. Even in a time of absolute personal crisis, I couldn't get him out of my head. His arms, his smile, his laugh. He was driving me insane. Yet I loved the insanity that it brought me. The sweet craziness that swept through my body. The deranged ideas that made me happy and excited and sad all at once. The irrational idea that I could have a real romantic relationship gave me joy and hope to cling to. I was completely and utterly in love. With these demented thoughts running through my mind, I fell asleep in a puddle of tears.