Summary of Freshman Year

Phrases by Febuary

Porn doesn't judge

Porn doesn't judge
It just watches you silently
As you look at, not watch, it
Touching, not feeling,
That body you hate
Because you have no other body to love
No, porn doesn't judge
You hide from the world
You can't tell your parents
Of that unsatisfied feeling-
That heart-wrenching feeling-
To cuddle and hold
Or else you're gross and a slut
No, porn doesn't judge

No, it's not porn that does judge
It's simply just us

It feels very immature to be almost obsessed with someone. I remember just a few weeks ago (I am writing this on the 13th of July) that I tried something. I was just sitting at a swim meet and decided to steal glances at one particular girl. I soon found it harder to not look at that girl, or at least inconspicuously looking for them. Maybe that's just what teen love is. You see someone that stands out and you become weirdly attracted.

Rosa (anonymous name) was probably like that. I remember throughout the entire 2018 summer I was thinking about her (not of her, that's different. Thinking of someone means you truly care for the person and maybe even love them. Thinking about someone is simply having the thought of the person going through your head). My summer was filled with wondering what Rosa was like, and that image of her from Quebec City.

On the first day of school I realized that Rosa was in my French class. I was excited. I cringe looking back at it now because I'm still no different right now. I had all these fantasies (not those kinds of fantasies) about being seated next to her and getting to talk to her. That never happened. Still hasn't.

However, what has happened is online communication. Now I hear you. You're saying, "Talking online is nowhere near as good as talking in person." I know. But over the past few DM's and stuff I kind of have a feeling we could actually talk in person more comfortably.

The first time she said anything to me was when she didn't know it was me behind the anonymous Instagram poetry account. It was October 11, 2018 at 8:02 PM when she DMed me about how she was willing to talk with me if I needed emotional assistance. Great first impression. At least she didn't know it was me. I sent a dopey DM back about how I thank you and I hope these teen years are over soon. Ugh.

The second time she said anything she still didn't know it was me. It was the 34th minute of the 16th hour of the 6th day of the 11th month of the year of 2018. It was just a comment on one of my stories I posted and we had a small humorous moment on that.

May 17, 2019 at 7:04 PM she DMed me saying she appreciates my work and she knows who I am. She knew who I was, and I almost felt relieved. I had an affinity for her, and I was glad it was her who knew who I was. We had a little talk about why we both write poetry and what we might want to do when we grow up. She asked if I wanted to be a writer.