(Aksels pov)
***********
Shit.
My emotions are really eating me up this time.
I woke up to a bright yellow sunshine sitting in a light blue sky, with thin white clouds stretched across it like a beautiful painting. The light was leaking in through my curtains, it seemed as if every living being under it was in a good mood.
Everyone except me, I guess.
My very first thought was of Alex's smile, the way his lips curl up in the cutest, most heart melting way. The way his eyes always seem to have a sparkle in them. The way his voice sounds, bouncy and cheerful, even when he's angry or sad, he has an uplifting tone that makes my brain feel fuzzy.
What I'd give to hold him in my arms.
Feel his light breathing on my neck.
Fuck, I really do sound obsessed. I guess I am in a way, whatever.
I pushed my bedsheets off of me, climbing out of my bed, I looked at the time. 11:56pm.
It would be around 3pm in Mexico, so I think we'd be recording tomorrow.
I walked, heavily it seemed, up to my desk across from my bed. On my chair was my yellow hoodie, which I pulled on ontop of my bare chest. Although it was sort of hot out, it felt comforting to have something wrapped around me.
I stepped out of my bedroom and trudged over to the kitchen, where I ate a large orange while waiting for my coffee to prepare itself. I poured the sad looking liquid into a white mug.
I downed the whole thing and went back to bed, feeling heavier than ever.
(Alexis' pov)
***********
Around 3pm is when I woke up with a funny feeling in my chest, I'm not sure what it was, but soon after, I fell right back asleep.
9 hours later I awoke again, for sure this time. I lay silent listening to the ambient rustling of people outside my home. Then I heard small scratching on the wood of my bedroom door, accompanied by the chatter of my kitten, Tiger. I let him in my room, with my heart full with love for my baby.
He walked around, jumping on all my stuff, then left.
I sat back down on my bed, looked over to my phone, and remembered the video I had to make today with everyone.
I typed a message to the groupchat that read
Alex: hey u guys ready for the vid
what time would be good?
Ani answered after about 3 minutes with
Ani: maybe in an hour or 2 ??
Brandon: yea that would be good
with me
Alex: k well aksel better wake up soon
Brandon: we should just blow up
his phone
Alex: yes😌
Ani: noo thats mean
let him sleep
Alex: if he sleeps for too long we'll just record without him hehe
Brandon: yes😤👌👌
Ani: nooo thats meannn
We continued to text for awhile, waiting for Aksel to wake up so we could film the video.
(Aksels pov)
***********
I could hear my phone.
I could hear it buzzing with every one of their texts all morning.
But I felt like if I opened my phone and read all the texts, I wouldn't know what to say.
All I really want to say is "I love you, Alex"!
But thats not really appropriate I guess.
So I switched off my ringer.
Here I lay, wrapped in blankets, my legs curled up to my chin, my arms around them. Feeling like an ocean is weighing me down.
I feel heavy, emotionally.
It's like my heart is carrying something. Something big. Something heavy and uncomfortable.
And oh boy does it fucking hurt. Its crushing me.
But life goes on I guess, I really do have to get out of this funk. This absolutely shitty feeling.
So I tumbled out of bed, put on my glasses, my beanie, and my fakest smile, and texted the chat.
Aksel: yo we still makin the video?
Ani: yeah :0
Brandon: FINALLY you answer
Alex: fr bro we've been waiting forever :,,(
Aksel: sry u guys but its 10 here
and i went to sleep at like 4 yesterday
Brandon: whatever man
Ani: its ok wanna head over to the discord server
I clicked on the discord icon and onto our chat.
I put on my headphones, and did the usual thing for videos.
I don't know why it felt so quick, so blurry and meaningless to me. I could hear their voices, and see the screen, and everything, but only one thing stuck out. Of course all I was focused on was Alex. He's so funny, so pretty, so perfect in every way. Holy shit would I love to hold him, to twirl his hair around my finger, to have him sit in my lap and laugh while we chat like there's nothing more comforting than eachothers company.
It all just seems like a distant, happy fantasy.
What a big fucking idiot I am, listen to me! I wish I would shut the fuck up, I wish that this feeling would go away. I wish that I didn't always feel lovesick to the stomach. My heart is constantly aching and for what? All I do is think of him, all I do is whine about him. I wish I would just shut the fuck up.
I started feeling dizzy, the world around me was spinning, and my sight was getting sort of fuzzy. It felt like my room was getting darker, and smaller. My hands shaking, I spoke in a very small voice ".. g-guys I uh got-gotta go um... do somethi-" before I pulled off my headphones and stumbled to the bathroom.
I splashed my face a few times with cold water, trying to calm my nerves, then I looked in the mirror and realized that I absolutely despised what I saw, a scraggly, lonely man, pining over another who would never love him back to same extent.
I felt my throat start to choke up.
Tears began to fall down my rosy cheek, big tears, real tears. I have never felt like this. Why did I have to feel like this? In a daze I fell to the wall and slid down to the cold, tiled floor next to the sink, put my hands to my face and wiped the tears away, but they just kept coming back again, bigger, with more pain.
I must have sat for a half and hour or so, loudly sobbing into the daytime. Until I couldn't feel anything more come out. My tears had dried up, my heart was once again heavy, but I was ready to return to the chat.
God, am I such a baby.
"Hey man are you okay?" I heard Alex say softly to me.
"Yeah, sorry to uh pry but we kinda heard you um, crying or something, are you doing alright?" Ani spoke.
"Yeah man!" I said, a little too excitedly, trying to mask my sorrow. "I, uhhh I just got up to make some food, I don't know where you guys got that crying thing from haha!"
"Okay well you didn't miss much, we're kind of just wandering around at this point, we should finish up" Brandon said.
Alex did his outro and I said bye to him and Ani and Brandon.
I walked over to my bed and felt my legs lose their gravity as I fell back into the blankets.
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shit was mad edgy this chapter but its like 12am and i was feeling angsty
also thanks to all 74 of u who read the last chapter :-)
