epic (read last chapter)

love

(Aksels pov)
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It's like Alex has completely forgotten about what I had told him that one day, it's great.
We talk like nothing ever happened.
But my heart still yearns for this warm feeling of affection. But I wouldn't care about affection from just anybody, affection from only one person, Alex. From his sweet laughter, to his carefree way of living, I love love love him. From his honest heart to his caring eyes to his gorgeous smile to his soft lips to his creative gaze to his sense of humour, I love love love him. How does one begin to explain, to describe this whole idea of love to another human? How does one begin to approach you with this bigger understanding of a dumb chemical in your brain that makes you just really want to hold a fucking hand? It's an impossible sort of thing, sort of texture, sort of flavour, sort of scent. It's all over, is love.

If only it didn't have to be unrequited love, I would've been happier about this shit my stupid ass head has put me in.

I yawned loudly before bringing a steaming cup of coffee to my lips. Across from the table was my darling mother, who had decided to visit a few days before my big trip. The room smelled of bacon and eggs I had cooked for her before she came over.
"So did you pack your bags yet, Aksel?" my mom said in Estonian.
"Mum it's in 2 days, I have plenty of time." I replied, taking another sip.
"Yes, but it's good to be prepared." She suggested. "In two days, how long are you going to be gone again?" She lifted her head and looked at me.
"Um I don't know yet, probably like 3 weeks? I have Vidcon with everyone and then a few friends and I decided we were maybe going to hang out for a week." I answered, "But we might not, so we'll figure that out."
She looked down, "Okay don't be too long like last time, I got worried when you didn't call throughout that last trip." She glanced around the room and spoke again "You really should be cleaning up around here more" before getting up and putting her dishes away. I finished my food and followed her. "You've been so quiet, used to always be in you're room. I'm glad you're not as lazy anymore, I was getting angry with you. Can you get the broom?" My mom went on a long tangent after that. I never told her what was really happening during that time. I usually tell my mom everything, we would talk for hours about all the things happening in our lives. But I never told her about this tiny little crush that has taken over my life. I usually would tell her about everyone, even little crushes like cute people I saw on the street, let alone tell her about my big crushes. I want to tell her about Alex but all it would do is make her worry anyway. But I feel guilty, doesn't she have the right to know why I've been feeling so horrible? Mothers are there for someone to lean on after all.

"Hey mum..." I began, slowly and quietly.
She turned around and narrowed her eyes at me suspiciously, "Yes?"
"How... how do you know if you're, um in love?" I stuttered.
"Awe Aksel, what happened?"
"I don't know, but I think I really like this boy. I'm.. not sure what to do." I sighed.
"Oh, who is it?" She said, leaning onto the doorframe.
"Um, its uh.." I trembled, "Its Alex?"
She gave a light gasp, but then said "Oh I knew it! For how long?"
"Like, 4ish 3ish years? I think..."
She gave a slightly louder gasp. "God, a whole 4 years? How did you not tell me. Wow, thats a long time, thats completely unhealthy! I can't imagine what you're going through."
"I know mum, I just-"
"So thats why you've been so quiet recently, it's catching up with you... Oh you two would be such a good couple, honey. I knew you liked him, its so perfect!"
"I know but-"
"You should tell him how you feel, Aksel. Let him know your true feelings."
"I... did already."
She stopped, "Oh- How did he answer?"
"He didn't really, we hadn't talked for months and then I told him, but now he just pretends it never happened. It... it hurts. I just want an answer. But whatever, I know he doesn't like me back the same anyway, and- and..." I sniffled, I felt a headache starting to come on from holding in the tears. My eyes burned filling up. My throat tightly knotted. And I broke down as quietly as possible, as to not make things any more awkward. I rubbed my eyes with my sleeves quickly to hide the tears in hopes my mom wouldn't notice. She did though, and rushed over to me. "Oh honey, it's okay. It's okay." My mother cooed as she wrapped her arms around me and rubbed my back. "Aksel, love can be very strange and comes in many ways, it's just how you handle it that matters. You hear me?" She spoke softly.
"If-if its love then why does it hurt so b-bad?" I cried out, I sound like such a baby ugh.
"Awe darling, it isn't perfect. Never will love be perfect, but it's beautiful and what you're feeling is going to be alright."
"I just- I just don't know w-what to do."
My head fell onto her shoulder and I could feel my tears trickling off my chin and onto her, ew thats so disgusting but I didn't think I had the strength to pry my head off of her loving arms.
"It's all going to sort itself out, you'll see. I suggest talking to him about it again at some point when you meet up, and if he ignores you, then you have your answer."
I continued sobbing "O- okay..." I'm so fucking gross, crying all over like this. I'm so gross for obsessing over Alex this much. And I'm so gross for being so useless all the time. My whole body felt weak from crying so much. I need to lay down.
"I jus.. just... I love him so much, mum! I d-don't know what to do, I'm-" I hiccupped, sobbing uncontrollably at this point.
"Don't worry about it too much, honey. Everything will work out soon enough, I swear on it." She pet my hair slowly and reassuringly.
"Th- thanks mum. I'm.. I'm so lucky to have y-you here with me."
"I'll always be here whenever you need me, Aksel. If you need to talk to someone again, I'll be waiting." She squeezed me tighter then let go.
"Now go take a nap. You need it." My mom said, pointing to the door.

I picked myself up, my body being weighed down it by my heart, and walked off sluggishly. As I turned the corner I heard her sweet voice say "Love you, Aksel!" I looked back and said "Love you, mom"

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i know this chapter was ass im just not feeling that great lately mentally :3 im just going through sum stuff idk if i need a break from everything or what but like if u catch me not posting 4 awhile just know im not dead

also kind of random but i love u very much if u havent heard it yet today ur amazing and doing gr8 sweety have an epic day💕