If I didn't care

CHAPTER 5 "i care" (Luisa)

I don't remember what happened.

Thats what I told the police. The therapist. My brother and myself.

But the fact is, I do.

I've been repeating that line as if my life depended on it. Scared to death that if I said I remembered every second of that torture then they would hospitalise me. I could never expect them to understand. That the reason I cry myself to sleep at night is because I can't stand thinking about that day.

I was always trying to catch Rose out. For my brothers sake, for my fathers sake and for my own mentality. But when it came down to it I didn't really want to. Why should I? I loved her so much. Maybe thats why I had to let her go. Even if it was by force.

I can't think about what happened to me. If Im alone with my own thoughts they start to consume me. Then I start drinking. I thought I was done with that side of me. But If I don't drink then I'm afraid of what I'll do instead. I envy the feeling of being drunk. That dull heavy feeling. That makes all your anxieties melt away. I've gotten to the point where I can't go outside. Everything feels to much. The noises and colours. They're too loud. They take me back. And I can't go back. Not yet.

The police have given me a new identity and a safe house. Rose was still at large they warned me. I was so alone, my own family couldn't even visit me. Couldn't or wouldn't I said to Raf after he saw sight of the bottles. They covered the floor. I hadn't expected anyone. Considering I had been hiding out for over two months.

It hurt more to see him than it did to forget him. He looked at me differently. They all did. Like I was a bird with a broken wing. The pity I felt was unbearable. The police had gotten a hold of the tape. It showed everything. The men were in prison which was a victory but it didn't feel like it. What they had done to me can never be undone. I felt dirty. Disgusting and used. When they reviewed the tape at court I felt vile. The pictures they took of me made me vomit I hated seeing myself like that. Drugged and beaten. Like a dog.

I had hoped that by now Rose might have found me. Silly I know. Because she cares about nothing. But there's something in me that wishes she does.

I always feel like someones watching me. That she's watching me. But of course if she had any sense she'll be long gone. Once she's realised what I had planned. Because when you really nail it down we could never really live happily ever after. There's too much at risk. For the both of us.

I try to remember the good stuff in our relationship. I really do. But when there's so much bad, it absorbs the good entirely.

I want Rose to find me.

I've left her more than enough clues, yet she's waiting for something. I cant place what exactly.

I stumble into the house, tripping on the carpet. I pick up a bottle of whiskey, stopping by the cabinet to pick out a glass. I climb the stairs to my room kicking my boots off one by one.

Once the door clicks I start to peel off my shirt and jeans. I look at myself in the mirror. The bruises have started to finally heal but the scar on my left cheek remains. It will eventually fade but right now it's a constant reminder of what's happened.

I wrap my arms around my shoulders digging my nails into my skin. I let out a frustrated scream as I smash the bottle off the wall.

I'm so frustrated I can't even cry. Just watch silently as the whiskey soaks into the cream carpet.

I hear a creek. I don't even turn around. I know exactly who it is. She stumbles out of my wardrobe, forever dramatic, I roll my eyes.

"Finally coming out?" I joke sarcastically.

She looks me up and down in complete shock. I'm a mess. And she knows it. I'm thinner, so thin you could count my ribs. It's awful. My curves and softness have become sharp and pointy. More bones than skin.

"Luisa...?"

She stops herself. I've never seen Rose speechless before. It's bewildering. Enchanting. For someone who's usually so good at articulating it's something else when they're silent.

"I don't know what to say?"

"Why are you here?"

"Luisa I couldn't just leave you."

"Why not?! You've done it so many times before."

Her face crumples.

"You know that wasn't by choice."

"Oh so is this just a guilty conscience making you stop for a quick visit?"

"Stop it. You know that's not true?"

"Isn't it?! One last look at broken little Luisa before you skip town?"

"You're not broken-

"Really Rose? Really? I'm just drinking for attention? I'm just being overly sensitive because my sociopathic girlfriend watched me-she watch- watched me get r-raped?"

Rose held me as I sobbed into her neck. I hated her. But I loved and missed her so much. These weeks of loneliness had finally gotten to me.

"Luisa you're not broken, you're the strongest person I know. I never wanted to leave you. You have to believe that."

She showed me her wrists, the scabs were barely healing.

"I tried to get to you but I wasn't quick enough. And for that I will never forgive myself."

"I want to say it wasn't your fault. I want to be able to trust you again. But I can't."

I pushed her away slightly. My skin was flushed and hot against her cool arms. It soothed and terrified me. I couldn't stand being touched. But by her it felt good.

"Why did you come back?"

"I couldn't leave without you."

"It can't be that simple, nothing ever is with you."

"You're right. But I can't just sit back and watch you drive yourself insane with drink."

"Rose-

"Come with me..."

"Maybe."

We lay together for a while, she buried her head deep into the crook of my neck. I wanted to go but I knew it would end in tears. With someone getting hurt. And that someone would be me.

It always was.