If I didn't care

CHAPTER 6 "side by side" (Rose)

If someone had asked me a year ago if I felt guilt or had any regrets. I wouldn't have hesitated to say no. It was my truth and reality for so long. I'd forgotten how horrible it was, like a crushing pain on your chest. It made everything more complex and difficult. 

But now.

Everything was different.

And I hated it. I didn't want things to change, to be so disorienting. I pinched the bridge of my nose waiting for the blow. 

"Why are you like this?"

Ha. There it is. 

That question got me. Kicked me deep in my gut, because I didn't know. I didn't know how to answer. What to say to make things better. Make things okay.

I couldn't leave her. I was obsessed. Part of my illness the doctors told me. I wasn't so sure. I couldn't tell the difference between love or obsession. Just like before...

I couldn't repeat the same mistakes. It was too much like last time... but Luisa wasn't like her. Not even in the slightest. A smile creeped onto my lips at this thought. My mind was made up. I couldn't do this again. Not to Luisa. It wasn't fair. 

I turned to leave. This was a huge mistake, I shouldn't have come back. I should've let her move on. It was obvious she hated me and didn't want me there. But I had to see her one last time. Before I disappeared again. That's all I'm good at it seems. 

As I opened the door she said something so heartbreaking it made my stomach twist. Bile rose to my throat as I tried to stop myself from breaking down. 

"It wasn't your fault..."

I shook. Picking at the fabric on my jeans I couldn't turn to face her. Everything was just too intense, too overwhelming. I really shouldn't have come. Clearing my throat I spoke in a small voice. 

"What...?"

"I said-"

"I heard."

"Oh."

I dragged my arms across my stomach, nails digging into my flesh, hard enough to draw blood.

"Why did you come back?"

"I wanted to see you again, to make sure you were-

"OKAY?!"

"Where were you Rose?!"

I couldn't answer her. I knew I was selfish, but I couldn't let them catch me. Not again. Not when we had come so far. But she didn't deserve that. Abandoning her over and over again. It really wasn't fair.

"You left me all alone."

" I saw the police you were safe."

"Convenient that you managed to escape when the police showed up."

"Luisa I didn't mean for this to happen I tried to let you go but-

"But what?! What could you possibly see in me?! You have everything, for fuck sake I was going to marry yo-

"I want you Luisa. I need you."

"Well I don't need you. Not anymore... it's too late."

My eyes finally snapped to hers. Searching for answers, for the truth, for something... anything. All I could see was pain and hurt. It made me wince. She couldn't mean that. She always came back. No matter what.

"What happened to you Rose? To make you as fucked up as you are now?"

My eyes grew cold and steely. Detached. Her eyes narrowed. This was the Rose she was used to. This was the one she knew all too well. And if this was who she expected me to be then so be it. I didn't need her. This was obsession. My mind was being irrational. Per usual. 

But was it?

"Fuck you-

The sting from her slap settled into my cheek, I savoured her touch even if it was violent, I feared this would be the last time she would ever touch me. The last time she would ever fucking look at me. I was pathetic. She could do so much better. 

Tears stained her cheeks, eyes swollen and red. Even like this she was breathtaking. Just like I remembered. I took a step closer, bristling slightly as she flinched. Was she really that scared off me?

"Stay back."

Frowning I opened my arms, challenging her to a hug. She couldn't meet my eye as she inched closer. A smirk reached my lips, this was the Luisa I had missed. My arms wrapped tightly around her as I inhaled her sweet aroma. Her soft form moulded to my body. Face sticking to my neck. Her breath ghosted over my throat as she trembled slightly. 

Her face suddenly tilted up. I could melt into those eyes. Her gaze was always so intense, whenever caught in it I felt as though my skin was on fire. My eyes flicked down to her lips watching as her tongue swiftly ran along them. God. I wanted her. Her fingers traced shapes on my back, nails catching in the shirt. 

I leaned in, hearing her breath hitch. Lips moments away from meeting, she turned her head sharply. Fresh tears slid down her cheeks. Her hands clutched at the fabric. Holding me in place but not pushing me away. I stood as still as possible not wanting this moment to ever end. 

"Luisa?" 

My hand moved to her hair, tucking a fallen strand behind her ear. She seemed to lean into my touch before standing stock still. As if correcting her posture. I felt powerless. What did she want? 

"Please..."

Her face shone as she finally looked at me. Trying again I rested my forehead against hers. We were so close I could feel her heart beat against mine. She shoved me back against the wall. Crying out in frustration as I grabbed at her arm to stabilise myself. Her whisper was so quiet I could barely hear it. 

"Just stop".