If I didn't care

CHAPTER 9 "reality"

Chapter dedicated to _coffeestains_ please check out their work, it's great! ♥️

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This wasn't what I had expected.

This was messy and fucked up, even for Rose. I had no idea what to say. I knew Rose must've had a rough childhood but this was way worse than anything I could ever imagine.

Scratch that. It was the worst thing to happen, the one thing you would dread another person telling you.

We obviously both had our own issues to deal with. Maybe we were just too unstable for each other...

What in the world are we gonna do to move past this? Obviously she wants a second chance. A real shot at being together. But, really, what would we even do. Where would we go?

The reality of this situation screamed at me. Rose was the same scared little girl who was abused all those years ago. Who was crying for attention, for someone who cared. For someone to love her. But was used time and time again. So she had to build herself a wall so no one could ever hurt her again.

But now, that wall had fallen apart.

She was open.

Raw.

And it was exciting and chilling at the same time.

I wanted her.

Of course I did. I didn't blame her for what happened. I just didn't know how to move past it, without her. Anything would be better than this pitiful existence I had been living without her.

It had surprised me when she had held me. Normally I couldn't stand to be looked at, let alone touched. But, by Rose it felt safe. Like I knew she would never hurt me. She was always so gentle.

"Well, Luisa, what do you want to do?"

What do I want?

I wanted to laugh, she'd never asked me that before normally she was the one with all the plans. It suddenly dawned on me. I didn't know. I wanted too much. I wanted my family and her. But I couldn't.

My breath quickened as I clenched my fists. Dull nails dug into my palms. My head pounded. I could feel blood leaking from the cracks in my fingers.

Rose softy combed her fingers through my hair. Humming as she helped me sit down. I brought my knees up close to my chin. My chest felt incredibly tight. My breathing wouldn't slow. Panic crept up my spine as I tried to calm down.

She sat with me, soothing me for God knows how long. Until my shoulders relaxed and my hands unfurled. 

Cupping my face she looked deep into my eyes. Looking down I noticed her lips slightly parted. Leaning in, I held my breath preparing myself. She pulled away sighing.

"I won't make you choose."

What?

"It's not fair. I understand if you can't choose me."

"Rose I-

"I'll always love you Luisa. No matter what you decide."

"I want you Rose. There's nothing left for me here."

"But what about your family?"

"I'll miss them, but its not the same anymore. I'm not the same... anymore."

I cringed at how corny that sounded. Cheap and hollow. But it hurt to admit that. Even if it was the truth. Too much had changed. Before I would've chosen family over anything. But now, I was an alcoholic again, I was popping pills my doctors told me to take. Even if it numbed me to everything. Because it was better than feeling hurt. Better to feel nothing than that horrid feeling of fear and dread. I had gotten sick of tear soaked pillows and bed ridden hangovers. 

Everyday I had woken up. slick with sweat from yet another night terror. Tears streaming down my cheeks, I couldn't stop them on my own. The drink helped. Well, sometimes but it made me worse. The alcohol burned my throat, rubbing it raw. It made my sobs turn into silent screams. 

I couldn't stand doing this to myself anymore. Hell, I couldn't even go outside to collect my mail anymore. If someone approached me and I didn't see them coming I would freeze. It was like I was stuck inside my own mind. I just couldn't escape.

It was horrible, I felt like an empty shell of who I once was.

Rose was the first person I had properly let touch me. And I liked it. I never realised how much I missed it. 

Missed her.

But now she was here and nothing mattered.

Our foreheads touched as I wrapped my arms around her.

"Could you lay with me?"

"What?"

Rose's eyes sparkled as she tilted my head up.

"Do you want me to hold you?"

I nodded, suddenly tired from the hysterics. Rose lifted me from the floor, cradling me and laying me down slowly onto the bed. My face flushed as she removed her shirt and trousers. I swallowed looking away. Her pale skin looked flawless in the low light. Hauntingly beautiful.

Crawling into bed I pulled the cold duvet over myself. Shivering as the bed creaked signalling Rose climbing in. Her warm body pressed flush against mine, her arm wrapped tightly around my waist. It didn't take long for me to drift to sleep.

I felt myself smile as her fingers drew small shapes into my skin.