The Analyzing of Ticci Toby by Timothy Wright

Entry #14

My job tonight was routine, a few wandering witnesses aside, and didn't take very long. Despite that, it was still nerve wracking to be out, alone. Made me worry for Brian, maybe even Jack too. If the thing that came for Toby comes for us, would we be able to defend ourselves?

Anyway, it gave me a good chance to think about Jeff and what I had discussed with him.

For Jeff, it was a relatively easy conversation. Besides the jokes he made, and a few threats, he gave me answers without hesitation.

I think I underestimated how close they'd been in the asylum. Jeff didn't just know about a random patient fighting off anyone who got too close, he knew for a fact Tobias was that patient. I suppose it makes sense he would know, especially for his lack of respect for personal space. When they'd escaped together, they'd probably had to discuss it at some point.

I already know Jeff is smart, and he's a fairly harsh fighter, took boxing classes if I remember correctly, but I still wonder how he got in that asylum with Toby.

Anyway, seeing as I also don't trust Jeff for a second, I'm going to try asking Jack about it. Maybe Kate too, but with her lack of social skills per se, I doubt I'll get much.

I'm starting to think watching others is a proxy thing. Kate's eyes are boring into my head from where she's running her fingers through Toby's hair on my bed. He's asleep, curled protectively around her, and she's still except for her hands, waiting for something to try hurting him.

It's unsettling, but also somewhat comforting to have her there.

She's the fastest among us, one of the most ruthless. I have no doubt she could best me in a fight, which is funny considering Toby was in charge of her training.

Something is still bothering me about Jeff and the asylum. He knew too much about Toby for another patient, but I can't write him off as creepy when it comes to someone I...have feelings for. It's important.

It's possible Toby told him a good bit of the information, after all they survived and depended on each other for a few months. Maybe, I'm just looking into it too much.

For now, I should focus on my work and watching after Toby.

I am very tired, but I don't know if I'm allowed back into my bed. Apparently, it's been occupied. I don't want to sleep in Toby's bed, I don't really want to sleep at all. Some part of me believes if I'm not watching him, making sure he's safe, that he'll get hurt again. My face feels warm whenever I think about this, but having him in my bed just feels different. I'm not even near him, and he's wrapped around someone else, but it still feels...intimate?

Speaking of, I realise I am an idiot.

Talking about Toby seems to make my brain cells riot until I can't form coherent thoughts anymore, but I managed to think up this one.

Given my feelings, I hate writing that, I think I've ignored his other relationships. Obviously, he's very close with us, as well as Jack and maybe Jeff, but does that disqualify romantic intentions? I've only seen how he looks at me and vise versa, so what if he's looking at others in a way that is different?

What if he has feelings for Kate, or Jack? They're both so protective of him, so close to him. He's comfortable around them, cares about them. Kate knew where his mark was, he quite literally trusted her with his life.

I haven't done that. I mean, Brian knows just as I know where his is, and Rouge knows as well. Neither were voluntary for me. Toby is so private and avoidant, I assume his was.

I've never taken the concept of his sexual, and romantic, orientations into consideration. Maybe he doesn't even know. I can't say I do either, I've never given it much thought.

If he does have feelings for someone else, would I be okay with that? I'd like to think I would be, but I can't be sure. Would it ruin everything between us? Would it make it more intense? And, what if he doesn't have feelings for anyone, can't have them?

My head is full of what ifs. It's nauseating.

I think it's time I rest.

~~~~~

If you can guess why Jeff knows so much more than he should, you win.