"Whenever I feel bad, I use that feeling to motivate me to work harder. I only allow myself one day to feel sorry for myself. When I'm not feeling my best I ask myself, 'What are you gonna do about it?' I use the negativity to fuel the transformation into a better me." - Beyoncé
Brain cells begin to die after four to six minutes of no blood flow, and for two minutes I tried my hardest to ensure that Jelani lived despite my awareness of his last breathe. As I began to do CPR the ambulance pulled up beside the carriage and swiftly pulled out a gurney to ensure that he'd gotten the best care.
As his body was lifted off of me I felt that I was too being lifted into the ambulance which was going toward Wishard Hospital. While en route to the hospital I began to plead for his safety cognitively disregarding what I knew to be true, "please... Jelani I love you more than you'd ever understand. Our babies deserve to have you here physically. I'm begging you please. I can't fathom this life without you" As I spoke I began to sob which intensely got louder as I begin to think of a life without the man that I love. A life that in five years I've never imagined myself living up until this moment.
As we arrived to the hospital the EMTs rolled his gurney inside of the hospital which was soon taken away by doctors into the ER, where I was told not I'm allowed.
Not even a second later I was told to sit in the private area that was granted to families with loved ones in this situation, and as I looked around at the people here I felt nothing but terror in my heart. I continue to tell myself "Amai God makes no mistakes", but with every minute that passes my faith begins to diminish.
As I slowly began to drift off to sleep I begin to hear a faint voice call out and say, "Family of Jelani Hassan Adebayo?" and on cue I began to rise from my chair unaware of the presence of my little sister, and Jelani's mom.
"Ye-yes, I'm his wife. Is he okay!?" I asked with pleading eyes. Which caused the doctor to look at me with a dismal expression and say, "I'm sorry to inform you..." and as he continued to speak his voice began to evaporate in thin air. It felt as if my world began to cave in: my lungs began to collapse, my legs became weak, and my head became heavy. There are no words to express this pain or to lift my spirits. I tried to scream but no sound could escape, I tried to run but my body lacked the energy to do so and the support of Mama Sarah and my little sister Nyako wouldn't allow it. I soon felt my body go blank which ultimately caused for me to black out.
As I woke up I saw the IV connected to my arm, and I heard the beeping of the monitor that displayed my heart rate. I sheepishly looked over I saw the only two people I had left in life, Nyako and Jelani's mother, sleeping on the couch. So instead of awakening them I pressed the button on the remote which summoned someone who I presumed to be my nurse.
"Hey, how are you feeling?", the nurse asked which caused a sigh to escape my lips which in turn resulted in them quivering. To avoid further harm or stress to my children I lightly tossed my head back and tried to draw back the tears that were threatening to fall.
With a shrug I said, "I'm alive and afraid. But I'm alive." Those seven words caused my nurse to softly smile and assure me that all of this gets better with time. That wisdom is what I needed to feel at least some hope. She also told me that my babies were okay, but today's events caused them to feel all of my stress. That news caused me to frown but also understand that in order for me to have a safe and healthy pregnancy I'll have to live life one day at a time and become understanding to the fact that I'm not just living for me now.
As the nurse left the room I noticed that we'd awaken Sarah and my sister out of their sleep which caused me to give them my attention. We had all loss someone who impacted our lives in different ways for me I loss my lover, for Sarah she loss her child and we all know a parent shouldn't loose their child, and for Nyako she loss her father figure... her big brother. So I looked at them with woeful eyes and said, " I love you both."
Which needs no further explanation. Those words allowed them to release a soft smile and with that I knew that everything would be okay as long as we had one another. This prompted them to get up and stand on the side of my bed.
Jelani's Mother looked at me and said, "Amai I love you, and I love your love for my son. As we continue on this new journey I want you to know that you four have me for life."
The mentioning of "you four" had me surprised because I had yet to tell anyone I was indeed pregnant due to the fact that early in our relationship we had miscarried a child.
So I asked, "Four? How'd you know?" and this woman had the nerve to chuckle.
"Girl! I'm a woman who's had a child. A great child at that and I knew deep down in my heart that he wouldn't have left us without some sense of him in this world. So yes the four of you: my sweet grandchildren, Amai, and Ako." after her monologue Sarah kissed my forehead and returned to her seat.
Nyako's eyes filled with admiration and sorrow and she stood by me. This unknowingly gave me the comfort I didn't know I needed. Minutes later to got in the bed with me and held me beautifully singing Spirit to me.
This journey doesn't seem easy by any means, but knowing I have these two and my unborn children lifts my spirit far passed what the world could provide. Jelani never liked to see me cry because in his words "Mai Mai we don't do that shit for too long. Life is going to beat you down because it's supposed to. It's up to you to get back up so what's your move playa!".
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