Desiderium

Nigoða

With a trembling hand, Benjamin rapped on the door. He took a step back, muttering to himself what he had been preparing to say for the past hour.

"Forgive me, but I have some troubling news. Nathaniel was found early this morning in an alley. It seems he was–

"You may enter," Emilia's voice called from the other side.

His hand continued to shake as it grabbed onto the handle and pushed it forward. Lying on the bed was Emilia, whose expression immediately changed to one of indignation upon seeing the man. However, Benjamin did not allow her to chastise him, being the one to speak first.

"Emilia," he began. "You must forgive me, but I have some troubling news. Nathaniel... He was found in an alley."

The anger dissipated off her face instantly. "Wh–What do you mean?"

"I am sorry." The man lowered his head. "The paper states it appeared to have been a robbery."

"Is he alright?" Emilia hopped off the bed, starting to head for the door. "What–I do not understand!"

Benjamin shook his head, continuing to keep it bowed. "Emilia, he is deceased. A stab to the neck."

She stopped just a mere foot in front of him. "No, this cannot be true... I just saw him!"

"I am afraid 'tis true..." He started to reach out for her. But the woman turned away from him, shaking her head as she went to the far end of the room.

"He cannot just be gone," she wept, burying her face in her hands. "I just saw him yesterday!"

The plague doctor watched as Emilia's body was wracked with sobs, knowing he was the cause of them. A twinge of guilt nipped at his heart, reminding him of what he had done and of what he continued to do.

He thought lying would be the difficult part, but he had done it with such ease. What had been the actual challenge was moving the body to a grimy alleyway not so far, but far enough from his surgery.

Due to his paranoia, he must have glanced over his shoulder about a hundred times. The fear of being caught by some lone straggler was unbearable, nearly forcing him to just dump the body on the side of the road.

Remembering all this made him want to twist the knife in Emilia. He knew it was sadistic, but he deserved to hear the truth from her lips.

He couldn't resist.

"I am sure your family must have heard," he stated over her softening cries. "This will surely be a difficult time for them."

"W–What?" She sniffled, lifting her head.

"Nathaniel was your cousin." The man tilted his head. "Your family must be taking this news with great sorrow."

Emilia rubbed her reddened eyes, continuing to sniffle. "He was not my cousin. That–That was just an excuse so he could visit here. Otherwise, it would have raised the prioress's suspicion."

"Oh." It was only a confirmation of what he already suspected. He may have been proven correct, but he could not take his gloating further or else he risked making it evident.

"And if my family knew about him, I would be disowned." Her eyes became glassy as she gazed off into the distance. "Not only would I have shamed the Church, but them as well."

Benjamin walked up to her, taking her gently by the arm and leading her to the bed. "You need to rest."

She obliged, lying back down. "You are right. I feel quite faint and my head is starting to hurt."

"I brought this for you." He went to his bag, taking out a covered jar to show her.

"What is it?"

He handed it to her, watching as she inhaled its scent and uncovered the jar. "Stew. Chicken and carrot stew."

She brought it to her lips, sipping it carefully. "This is delicious. Thank you, Doctor Peters. But you did not have to do this."

"Nonsense." His voice sounded gruff and thick. "A doctor is supposed to care for his patients. I also brought you something else."

"This is already enough. What else could you have possibly brought me?" she asked, drinking her stew.

Pulling out a string of purple irises, Benjamin began hanging the flowers around the bed. "These are good for the plague. They keep the bad odors that cause it away."

Emilia smiled, reaching out to touch the petals between her fingers. "Irises. These are my favorite. And the colors– how did you know?"

It seemed some things had stayed the same. "Who does not like purple irises?" He shrugged. "Especially during this time when they are in bloom?"

"That is true." The sense of awe had still not left her eyes as she brought the flowers up to her nose and sniffed them. Even Benjamin could not help but smile at the sight, forgetting it was concealed from the woman.

She suddenly let the flowers fall from her hand, turning to the masked man. "Doctor Peters, I must apologize for yesterday."

Taken aback by this, all he could do was give a short nod. "All is forgiven. I understand I had no business in your affairs, and I must apologize as well."

Her eyes softened as she looked at him. "You were just doing what you were supposed to do. I was the one who overreacted."

"As I said, all is forgiven." He started to walk back to the table where his bag was at, but the sudden grip on his coat stopped him.

"Doctor Peters." Emilia released her hand from the fabric. "You must not say anything to anyone about what I told you."

"Yes, I understand that." He narrowed his eyes from behind the mask, wondering if the girl thought he was stupid.

"Promise me. Promise me you will not tell." She seized his gloved hand.

Benjamin swallowed a buildup of saliva he had not realized was in his throat. "I promise." He let go of her hand, turning his back to her.

He did not deserve to be here with her after what he did. He did not deserve her kindness, her smiles, her forgiveness. Even the happiness he had felt for a moment, he did not deserve.

He deserved none of it.

How could he even still consider himself a doctor? How could he even talk about caring for people?

He was nothing more than a hypocrite.

A liar.

A murderer.

So as he stood there, talking with Emilia, he was reminded that it was only through spilled blood was he able to.