Secrets

Part Two: ATS -- Balance

[March 20, 2011]

"Good morning, baby girl," Mike crooned softly as he lifted Abi from her crib. She'd just started fussing when he opened the door to the nursery, and Mike had picked her up right before the whimpers became full out cries. "Come here, Abba girl. It's okay, Papa's got you."

With her slight weight in her arms, Mike turned his nose into the soft, dark hair curling around Abi's ear and breathed in deeply. It was baby powder and sleep, comfort and warmth, and love, Mike decided, and he kissed her hair before he laid her down on the changing table.

He sang softly as he changed her diaper, smiling as her dark eyes latched onto his face. They were still getting to know each other, and Mike wondered, as Abi contemplated his features, if she recognized his voice at all. He hadn't even been around before she was born for her to learn his voice, and the guilt he felt over his continued absence had sunk into every aspect of his life with Abi so far. If he hadn't spent so much time in the past week focusing on what he perceived as failures, he might have noticed how the sound of his voice soothed his daughter immediately when he was around.

Abi grabbed at his fingers and Mike stared at how her tiny fist wrapped around his thumb, his heart expanding in awe as he looked at her. I still can't believe I have a daughter now. He wanted to give her everything, protect her at all costs, be someone she could look up to and admire. I want her and Otis to love me... they deserve a father who is around more. He sighed as he lifted Abi to his shoulder, cradling her against his neck as he flipped off the light and headed toward the stairs. They all deserve better than me. Anna deserves someone who can be here, and not just physically. I'm such a mess.

The two weeks they'd been home from tour had put a lot of things into perspective for Mike. He missed Chester more than he could admit, and without an album to work on, they hadn't spent much time together since they'd come home. Text messages and phone calls were all he was living on at the moment, and Mike reminded himself daily that he had a wife and family to focus on, everything else was less important. Chester had to come second when he was at home.

Sadness crept over Mike then, as he thought about how he was caught between two worlds. Home and family. Work and Chester.

Until tonight. It was Chester's thirty-fifth birthday, and Talinda was having a small get-together at their home for a small circle of Chester's friends. It was one of the ways his worlds collided, and he cherished those moments that he got to have it all. With his spirits uplifted, Mike came into the kitchen, catching Otis' gaze immediately.

"Papa!" He exclaimed, his three-year old face beaming with excitement.

"Morning, O!" Still holding the baby, Mike leaned over and kissed the top of Otis' head before coming around the bar toward the bottle warmer. Anna was frying bacon and it smelled amazing, and there was a stack of pancakes already ready for him. She was super mom, and Mike felt the love in her breakfast prep for all three of them.

"Morning, honey." With a quick kiss to Anna's cheek, Mike reached for the bottle Anna had already prepared for him. "Thanks for getting this ready," he said, nodding toward to the bottle.

"I'll have bacon ready in a minute, too," she replied, glancing his direction. Her gaze fell on Abi, snuggled to Mike's chest, and Anna leaned over to press a kiss to her forehead. "Morning, lovebug."

As Otis finished his pancake and Mike fed Abi, Anna chatted away about the day's plans. Mike was watching his daughter with her bottle, her eyes staring into his without judgement, and trying to listen to what Anna was saying to him in between Otis' little outbursts of chatter, adding "okay" and "mm-hmm" at the appropriate times. His head snapped up when Anna mentioned going to the Bennington's early.