Secrets

Part Two: ATS -- Roads Untraveled

Notes:

References to:
Chapter 3 of Confession

Chester singing Rolling in the Deep: https://youtu.be/_sXrTpOVna

[July 4, 2011]

The months before Linkin Park left for Europe were full for Mike. He had really tried to minimize the time in the studio with Chester after his fight with Anna, despite the constant longing to see the vocalist in the back of his mind. After all, the band had barely formed ideas for what was next, and working really was more an excuse for Mike and Chester to spend time together than anything else. Just afternoons in the studio messing around on guitars, throwing words around, laughing and talking in between bits of writing that went nowhere.

With the inability to create music came a sort of restlessness that could only be solved by creating something, and Mike spent the hours he would have spent in the studio painting. It didn't matter what he was painting - the simple fact that he could get those stray thoughts and feelings out of his head in some way was really all he needed. The morning hours after Abi went down for her nap were spent with a brush in his hand more often than not, and there wasn't anything for Anna to argue about - painting was a solitary activity.

As they drew closer to summer, Mike started teaching Otis to swim, and it was fun to see how quickly he sucked up Mike's instructions. On those afternoons, with Anna holding Abi and watching her husband and son in the water together, Chester seemed far away to both of them. Mike was completely and totally focused on his family again, and as the weeks between the end of the US and beginning of the European legs of the tour passed, the concerns Anna had felt at Chester's birthday celebration started to fade into the background.

It was night times, when the kids were asleep and the house cool and quiet, when Mike was holding Anna close in bed, that he missed Chester the most. He couldn't stop himself from turning the days text messages over in his head, thinking about whatever Chester had said that made him smile that day. When he nuzzled his face into Anna's hair and tried to sleep, that same restlessness that drove him to paint in the mornings forced him out of bed and to one of his sketchbooks.

Those sketchbooks he kept buried under other supplies in his art studio, knowing if Anna happened across one he'd have too many questions thrown at him with not enough answers to give. When his mind couldn't leave thoughts of Chester alone, he would dig one out and sit in a corner, drawing snapshots in his memory. Some nights he drew until the early morning hours, until he exhausted all the thoughts that lingered in his mind, until he could crawl in bed and finally fall asleep. Some nights he just didn't come to bed.

Going back on the road had been so much easier than coming home, and Mike was starting to feel the pattern of his two personas. It was also becoming clearer, as he shifted from husband and father to friend and frontman, which version of himself he preferred. Which Mike Shinoda he settled into faster. Which lifestyle felt normal.

When they left for Europe back in June, he'd packed his sketchbooks, just in case his insomnia followed him. It hadn't surprised him, really, that instead of needing his artwork to sleep, he'd used it instead to relax before bed. In that small span of time when he was separated from Chester, when the vocalist tended to his personal needs in his own room, Mike sat in the corners of hotel rooms and cleared his mind. He'd filled an entire book during this leg of the tour, and when he'd packed his things earlier, the reality of going home slammed into him again as he tucked it between his pajama pants and his jeans. Returning to his home life was becoming a tired cycle of guilt, indecision, and fear. He still hadn't accepted that he was in love with his wife and his best friend. His upbringing couldn't allow the reality of such a fucked up situation.