Limbo

Where Do We Start?

ASHLEY:

I look at Rachel as she sits cross-legged on the coffee table in front of us, with my drawing pad on her lap, a thoughtful expression on her face. Everyone else basically follows my lead and turns in the same direction, even though all they're seeing is the pad and pen floating just above the table, which must be somewhat disconcerting.

After a brief pause, she starts writing, and fills up most of the page before stopping. She starts to hand me the pad, but then pulls it back, saying, "No, I don't want you to mess up your throat any more than it is. So either pass it around and take turns reading, or have one of the others read it to you."

I relay this to the others, and Susan holds out her hand and says, "I'll read it, it'll take too long to pass it around to everyone." Rachel passes the pad to her, and we all sort of lean forward in our seats as she starts.

"Her name is Evelyn, actually, and Mom had her when I was nine," she reads. "She was better than any toy or doll I ever had, she was almost like my baby, because I took care of her while Mom and the other women were doing their work around here, or in the meetings. And she was also my father's guarantee that I'd behave, because if I did something I wasn't supposed to, or just something he didn't like, he'd punish Evie for it, instead of me. He knew I couldn't stand to see her cry, so she was basically his little insurance policy. That was when I figured out that I hated his guts."

When I hear this, it feels like somebody has knocked the wind out of me, and from the looks on their faces, it's obvious that everyone else is having basically the same reaction. Andy looks particularly horrified, and I can see how difficult it is for him to reconcile this with the relationship he has with his parents, who have basically made him the center of their world since he was born. Since my folks died when I was young, I don't have a lot of clear memories of them, but the ones that I do have are good ones, and my grandparents always made sure I felt loved, so it's kind of hard for me to process, too.

Susan pauses for a second, taking a deep breath before continuing. "Unless something like that was happening, he basically ignored her, like she wasn't important. She had the basics, of course, since someone called Child Services on them once, when somebody in town saw bruises one of the other kids. He was smart enough after that happened to at least put on the show of doing what they said, until he felt like he was in the position of being superior. So instead of hitting, we'd get punished with periods of time without food, because that wasn't visible."

"Anytime I got something like candy, or something pretty, I always shared it with her. I had to hide it from him, though, and only do it when he was having the meetings, or out of the house. Mom tried to get around him, and make sure she had things that she wanted, and he would give her punishments, too, if he found out. More than once I watched him hit her with his belt, or make her go without food for days if he caught her going against something he said. I got really good at sneaking food into my pockets, or hiding it in my sewing stuff, and slipping it to her or Evie when he did that, but it still wasn't what they should have had. A granola bar or a couple of crackers aren't a good substitute for an actual meal, especially for a little kid, but it's better than going hungry."

"Anyway, not long after she turned eight, she got sick, and Mom actually managed to sneak her out to the doctor while he was gone for a couple of days. He smacked her around when he got home and found out, and when she told him that the doctor was pretty sure that Evie had leukemia, and was just waiting for the tests to come back to confirm, he laughed at her. He said that if there was actually anything wrong with her at all, it was either a test of their belief, or that the fucking demon had decided that she wasn't 'worthy' of being part of the group. We both literally begged him to let her go to the hospital to have treatments, but he said that if she was meant to live, the 'Master' would cure her, and there would be no interference by doctors."