Limbo

Appearances Can Be Deceiving

RACHEL:

I'm sitting in the living room looking at a magazine, waiting for the guys to get back from the studio. They've been pretty busy the last few days, but they were planning to cut off early today, and Ash has promised that we'll go outside again when he gets here. Since they've been here, I don't dislike being here quite as much as I used to, but I really enjoy it when I get to go out. I've gone to the studio with them a couple more times, but I can't go if they know that somebody else is going to be there, since there's no way to be sure who might be able to see me.

And I have to admit, even though spending time in the recording studio with everyone, or even just hanging out when they're here, is fun, what I look forward to the most is the times I get to go walking with Ash, or just sit up in the room and talk before he goes to sleep.

When I think about the first time our paths crossed, at their concert, it's actually kind of funny. Since he propositioned me practically the second we met, he basically seemed like the stereotypical rock-star horndog, but it turns out that appearances really can be deceiving.

Oh, I grant that there probably is a certain element of that to his personality, but there's also a lot more that most people don't get an opportunity to see, or don't pay enough attention to if they do have the chance. The Ashley that the fans and the media sees is outgoing, articulate, and creative, with a quirky, and sometimes raunchy, sense of humor. He also shows that he has an impressive work ethic, as well as enough self-confidence to not be overly concerned with what other people think about his life choices.

But even though all of these things are part of him, there's so much more that a lot of people never get to see. The Ash that I've gotten to know is actually kind of shy, as hard as that is to believe. He's also very soft-hearted, and a bit more sensitive to other people's negativity than he lets on, even though he tries not to be, and is very conscientious about trying not to do anything that would disappoint his grandparents. He's intelligent, incredibly talented, he has such a huge, magnetic personality, and he's one of the most genuinely decent people I've ever met, so the fact that he's eye-poppingly gorgeous is just the cherry on the sundae.

I'm not sure I'll ever tell him this, but sometimes when I know he's not paying attention, I just sit here and look at him, and sometimes wonder what might have happened if I'd actually had the chance to meet him when I wasn't with Sawyer. Now, don't get me wrong, I loved him with all of my heart for several years, and in some ways, I think I always will, but we'd both figured out that we had basically just grown apart. We wanted different things from life, which didn't make either of us actually wrong, just wrong for each other.

But with Ash, we have things in common that I never had with Sawyer. We both enjoy being creative, and I would have loved to have the chance to travel like Ash has, to see new places and do new things. That was one of the things that we disagreed on the most, because Sawyer was one of those people who enjoyed staying in his comfort zone, and having a routine, while I was tired of always having my life set out for me by someone else.

And another thing I doubt that I'll ever tell him is that I'm pretty sure that I'm starting to think of him as more than just a friend, even though I know that it's basically pointless. But it's just like it was when I fell for Sawyer; I find myself thinking about him most of the time, and I'm happier when he's around, because his personality is just so big and bright that everything seems dull when he's gone.

But unfortunately, we're pretty much the textbook definition of a mismatched couple, since I'm dead, and he most assuredly isn't. And since life doesn't work like one of those Lifetime Channel movies, I can't even let myself think that a relationship would ever actually be possible, and even if it was, I'm not sure it would be fair to him. Being with me would mean that he'd miss out on so many things that most people get to experience, like marriage, and kids, and even just being able to go out in public and interact with other people, and I wouldn't ask him to do that, even if he were actually still interested in me. So I'm just going to enjoy being his friend, and spending time with him for as long as he's here, and do my damnedest not to make him feel uncomfortable by letting him figure out that I might actually be falling in love with him.

But now I hear voices outside, and footsteps charging up onto the porch, so I know that they're finally back. Everyone piles inside and drops onto the couch and chairs, except Ash. He says hi to Susan, who peeks in from the kitchen, and then gives me a smile, holds up the necklace, and asks, "So, are you ready for a little bit of an adventure today?"

"More than ready," I reply, as I head toward the door. He follows behind me, and I can't keep the smile from my face, because whether he knows it or not, spending time with Ashley has become the best part of my "existence", and I want to enjoy every second that we have left.