Have you ever fought so hard to hold a relationship together to a point it was beyond its dead point? You don't want to believe it's actually ending. You can't believe it. Even if the relationship was awful, even unbearable at times, the idea of liv...
Ume was suspended from the academy for fighting and rushing out of class. She woke up in her dorm room. Ume was heartbroken. Her overthinking became worse, she began blaming herself, she went through a phase of denial, she couldn't accept that her 4-year relationship was over, all her plans of marrying Adonis were crushed, she had nothing to look forward to, she even thought of begging him back, but she was locked in her room due to suspension. "It couldn't be true... This didn't just happen..." was all she could think to herself about. She just cannot be without her ex. It felt like she put everything she was into that relationship. It's been her world, her life. Ume could not accept that it was over. She funneled every last hope into saving it, even at the expense of her well-being. She postponed her need to grieve its end because it was just too painful to face. In so doing, she temporarily derails the grieving process by replacing it with unrealistically inflated hope that the relationship can still be salvaged.
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Ume was willing to do anything to avoid accepting it's over. She'd be a better, more attentive partner. Everything that's been wrong, Ume'd make right. The thought of being without her ex was so intolerable that she would make her own pain go away by winning him back, at any cost. Of course, she wasn't logical at this point. Ume was standing on the edge of what felt like an abyss, trying not to fall into the unknown. She clung to any hope she could, to prevent herself from losing what she had come to depend on, for better or worse. However, during this phase, when she promised to fix all the problems between her, she was placing the entire burden of repairing, maintaining and sustaining a relationship onto herself. It's as if the responsibility was hers and hers alone to make it work this time.
Somewhere inside, she knew that trying her hardest during this phase not to lose sight of the fact that both participants in the relationship contributed to its end. She couldn't possibly take responsibility for everything. Ume's bargaining can only briefly distract from the experience of loss. Reality inevitably comes crashing down, over and over again. Further, when she bargained, she was trying to take responsibility for why the relationship doesn't work, which may have given Ume the illusion that she had control over it, perpetuating the belief that it's salvageable as long as she can just keep performing superhuman acts.
This wasn't the first breakup between the two. Ume and Adonis had broken up numerous times before. But most involved her being territorial and being emotional for not being appreciated enough, but actually being cheated on was something that was Ume's greatest fear. Because the pain was so intolerable, Ume actually was able to convince her ex to try again. She'd temporarily relieve the agony of withdrawal. Despite her best efforts, Ume would not be able to carry the relationship solo. However, if Ume were to try again now, it probably won't end well this time, either.
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Ume just lied there on her bed, staring at old text messages until she threw her phone at her wall, destroying the phone, and even ignoring spammed messages from her best friend. She even began cutting herself. Her body, limbs, and chest felt like they were heavy. Ume didn't have the appetite to eat or drink. She even vomited from time to time just from the pain weighing down into her stomach. Eventually, more overthinking had set Ume into another rage. Initially, she wasn't able to connect with feelings of anger. Breaking up plummetted her into the unknown, which had evoked immobilizing fear and dread. Her fear, at that point, trumped her anger. Therefore, when her anger set in, it's because she had let go of some of her fear, at least temporarily. Screaming at herself into her pillow. When she was able to access anger, the experience was actually empowering-because at the very least there are shades of remembering she mattered too, of feeling justified in realizing that she deserved more from a relationship.
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The good news was that her anger, no matter where it's directed, is meant to empower her, whether one chooses to see it that way or not. When anger became accessible to her, it provided direction and created a feeling of aliveness in a world that's become deadened by loss. She was reminded that she deserved more. Her anger then turned not into tears, but into an emotionless state. In this state, she was paralyzed and self-defeated, but it was part of the grieving process. The fact that she was on the trajectory of grieving the loss was a sign that she was working through. It indicated that somewhere within, she was creating enough internal discomfort to help shift her perspective about how the relationship had actually been, and it compelled her to make proactive changes. She sat there on her floor rather than her bed, she lied there as if a horse died. Sometimes when feeling broken, the bed or anything cushion-like isn't a very comfortable place to be on.
