|Flashback| pt.2 (actual update)

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Authors note~
My brain cant write no more
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10:00pm, 12th october

Jins pov

I really wanted to call them back. Tell them i was ok, that i was just taking a walk to get some air. I really wanted to. But i couldnt.

My fingers were frozen, i couldnt type anything. I didnt have the courage to lie to them. What if I did tell them i was ok, and then disappeared, forever. It pained me. I really only lived for them huh. But i guess it wasnt too bad, their smiling faces were just so comforting.

"Lets go home shall we?" I told myself, getting back up, " We can see what tomorrow brings us"

I called namjoon, his worries voice sounding from my phone, "WHERE ARE YOU JIN-HYUNG!?"  It was nice hearing his voice after i while, I relaxed and calmed down. "Dont worry joon-ah, i just needed some time a lone. I'm coming back to the dorm now. Please dont worry about me..."

i guess i angered him with my words because he screamed into my ears, " dont worry? DONT WORRY?! HOW CAN WE NOT WORRY FOR YOU WHEN YOU WENT OFF BY YOURSELF WITHOUT TELLING ANYONE. ITS SCARY, YOU KNOW, COMING BACK TO THE DORM AND REALISING A SWEET VOICE ISNT SINGING, THAT THE SMELL OF DINNER ISNT THERE, THAT YOU, SEOKJIN-HYUNG, ISNT THERE?"

I felt a pang in my heart, a tightening somewhere. "i-im sorry Joon-ah.." i managed to say, voice cracking. i couldnt hold back my tears any longer.

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12:01am, 13th october

Jins pov

i closed my eyes and sunk into my bed. i was... confused about my feelings. Here i was, in the dorm, 2 hours after i had a mental breakdown, and about to kill myself. its weird right? It should have been hard to come back, but i guess pretending that you're fine for so long has its effects.

But maybe the thought of their smiling faves fading away made me come back. The smell of the dorm and the feeling of home just because the boys are there with me.

How much would they miss me? I know for sure how much i would miss them. Miss jungkooks teasing and calming voice. Miss tae's quirkiness, jimins angelic voice, hobi's shining face when i got a dance move right.

Oh how much i would miss yoongi. The way he acts around the fans and around us. The way he smiles like a kitten. His baby face not matching him spitting fire while rapping. i'd miss how we would spend nights in his studio, me cominf inside only to see he hadnt eaten anything and staying there till he did. the feeling of peace while sleeping on his shoulder.

And namjoon. Honestly, theres nothing that i couldnt miss about him. the why his dimples appeared when he smiled. the way we talked about bangtan like they were our own. The stars seemed to shine in his eyes when he talked about his passion, his rap, and his family, us.

I was conflicted. I had so much love but i had no idea how to use it to heal me.

But maybe.

Maybe its something i cant fix by myself

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