Spade

Out

After a long walk, we finally made it home. I went in. Even though I stayed away for a night it felt like forever. It felt weird to be home after what felt like such a long time. That was okay I guess, considering I've never left this house in my life. No sleepovers, no staying out for the night, no moving, no traveling, no hotels or whatever. Some people would consider this prison, but for me, this house was a big part of my life. one thing in my life that stayed, one thing in my life that never left me. Also, the one thing that never sold me to a soul collector but I guess that's too soon for jokes.

I fixed myself a coffee and went upstairs, preparing to take a bath. Even though I'm probably going to be drenched in blood again in the morning, I needed the relaxation. I never needed to take frequent showers like this. I could see it slowly beginning to harm me. My skin started peeling and feeling very very rough. My hair was a completely different story. It felt coarse, dry and damaged. Even though some would believe blood actually regenerates skin or whatever. All bullshit. I guess I can see why people believe these bizarre things and actually try them on themselves like science projects, all comes from desperation. When insecurities come to light people try anything to fix them. Obvious manipulation, everything is clear as day in front of us. 'Oh this will help, this will take all the flaws away' How can one thing work on many different humans? It doesn't, that's the answer.

I set my coffee up on the corner of the tub. I stepped into the bubbly warm water and soaked in it. I could feel my muscles relaxing, finally, I had something to relax in. I wanted this to end. If this was some sort of a punishment to make me value my life more, I do now. I learned my lesson, I can't live like this anymore. My wishes were simple, a normal life, a job, friends, freedom... I feared I would never be able to have them. Held my breath.

I sank in the tub. Can't cry, there's nothing to cry about.
I have good things. My eyes are open.

Be a dream Spade, be a dream and give me Alastair back.
Let me in, let me know about everything so my soul can rest.
Let me understand you, let me know everything about you.
Love me as much as I love you.
Let me in! Don't be a dream!

I got up, breathing heavily. My ears kept ringing as I felt like my head was about to explode. My body drowned in silence as my soul screamed to break free. Ears still ringing.
My eyes are open.

I reached for a cigarette, still heavily breathing. Took a sip of my coffee. What the hell happened to me? I moved my hand above the water. This was real. I don't know what I did or how I did it but I drowned something today. I drowned my sorrow, I drowned the part of me that hurt me forever. I felt empty, but safe at the same time. I was relieved of the burden I carried for so long. I couldn't regulate my breathing pattern.

"You did it." Spade sat down next to the tub.

"I did." I smiled finally getting a taste of heaven.

He smiled, giving my forehead a small kiss. "You're ready now. See you tonight."

He disappeared before I could say anything. I sat up, enjoying my coffee and cigarette. After years, years of misery, pain, loss, and depression... after everything that happened, no matter how much blood I'll be drenched in tomorrow, I smiled.

I got out of the tub as if it was my first time actually feeling clean. There was a bad feeling in me but I lost my ability to worry. It was like the days you wake up feeling something bad is going to happen but you simply don't care whatever happens. I sat down on my bed, still wrapped in towels, lighting another cig. I could not wait to see what happens tonight. I put on some music after not enjoying anything entertainment related for a long time. It brought back memories but I smiled upon them. I resonated with the music.