TomTord oneshots

pure angst without tomtord whoops

TW: suicide, depression

A buzz interrupted Tom's silent scrolling.

Edd
Image sent

Tom glanced at the notification. He knew he should click it and respond. He should have a conversation with Edd. Edd was his best friend, after all.

He couldn't. He didn't have the motivation. The amount of effort it would take for a conversation... he couldn't. Not when he was like this. He struggled to type out a message.

He had given Edd a short warning. He had told the boy that, recently, he wasn't feeling well and was doing what he could to talk. He had done this to Edd before. His mental state had been so bad that he just... broke, and he stopped responding to messages for a long while. He hates himself for it. Seriously, what a shitty friend he is. He doesn't deserve Edd. Of course he doesn't.

*-*

You know, Tom's like a mini therapist to his friends. He's always wanted to be a therapist, so he'd done research on how to help people. He became the one to listen silently when another needed it, or reassure them that they mattered.

Tom didn't matter.

His problems didn't matter to anyone. No one cared about him. No one asked if he was okay.

He isn't.

Edd
One of my bunnies died.

Tom blinked at the notification. He just stared at it. Didn't really understand it.

Why do people get so upset about death, anyway? It's inevitable. Tom's used to death in his life. Everything... everyone... dies.

He put the phone down. He knew he needed to respond. He had to be there for Edd. Edd needed him. God, why couldn't he pick up the fucking phone and respond? How fucking useless could he be?

He's not good enough. Never will be.

He laid his head down and closed his eyes, letting the emptiness develop him.

*-*

Edd's mad at him.

Of course he's mad. Who wouldn't be mad at a pathetic disappointment like Tom?

Edd yelled at him over text. Edd yelled about his problems and how Tom made him feel like shit, how could he do this again? How could he stress Edd out like this? How could he be such a disappointment?

Tom's fucking stupid. He apologized at first. He bowed his head and begged for forgiveness.

But defensiveness swarmed his veins.

He fought back. He fought back, and he begged to know why Edd thought he didn't care. How dare he say that? Tom tried so hard to talk to Edd. He tried so hard to make Edd like him that he got into all of Edd's favorite shows and video games.

Edd never did the same.

Tom just stopped responding. He was overwhelmed and couldn't fucking handle it. He just lost it and threw his phone.

How dare he be alive? How dare he?

He got up from his bed and stumbled toward his desk. He rummaged through it and grabbed his note book and a pen. He tore a page out and placed it on desk before sitting down.

He's been thinking about this for over a month. He's been wanting to do this for a long, long time. Why not do it while he felt something?

Tears blurred his vision as he hyperventilated, shaking. He put his pen to the paper and began.

I'm sorry, Edd. I'm so sorry.  Y̶o̶u̶'̶r̶e̶ ̶o̶n̶e̶ ̶o̶f̶ ̶m̶y̶ You were one of my closest friends. I'm sorry I fucked it up again.

I'm sorry, Matt. Please never stop loving yourself. It's what makes you unique. You're amazing and so happy and I'm so sorry if this brings you down. I'm not worth it.

I'm sorry, Tord. I might be leaving you with a mess to clean up. If Edd and Matt are upset, please comfort them. I don't think they will be, though. Not after what I just did.

I'm just sorry. I know that I'm never good enough and I'm so sorry that I made you all hate me. I just can't fucking talk when I get suicidal. I stop talking because I can't do anything but wish I was dead. I just wish someone would've asked if I was okay, you know?

Tears dropped down on the paper as Tom wiped the snot at his nose.

I love you all. You were so amazing. I never deserved you. I understand why you ignored me. I'm not worth it. Never was. I'm sorry. I love you all. I'm going to miss you guys, I think.

Tom let out a sob.

Goodbye.

He stood up and walked into his bathroom. He kept a gun in there because he knew he was going to do this at some point. Not to mention, the bathtub would make it a lot easier to clean up.

He grabbed the shotgun as a sudden calm washed over him. He settled down into the bathtub, his tears. stopping.

"Sorry."