roses are red, violets are too | joe keery

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i was sat in my hotel room which suddenly felt painfully empty, left sat staring at my phone screen letting harry's message sink in.

i mean the text made perfect sense and i didn't blame him for anything he had said. i was a fucking nightmare when it came to him and it needed to end. we could never be together, that was clear. he and i both knew that. we weren't good for each other, we tried making it work when we were younger

we had always been close and constantly on the brink of what a good relationship could be, but the two of us were too hotheaded. it could never work. but then everything changed when joe came into my life, there was finally a clear divide between harry and i as i didn't give him the time of day (which i probably should've done) but i'm glad i didn't.

when i was with joe i couldn't even even think about being with another guy, he was my everything... i'm pretty sure he still is. but since we had broken up, harry was there for me to cheer me up and with that came the closeness we once had which just made things even more complicated. i loved joe, but when he wasn't there and i no longer had timothée to hang out with, harry was just there like he always had been.

as bad as it sounds, harry has always been there to pick up the pieces other people had made, the other people mainly meaning myself. maybe it was good he was finally putting his foot down and physically putting a barricade between us. we needed it... he needed it...

i want to be with joe. joe is my future and with harry having such feelings towards me and me unintentionally reciprocating them for those few months after joe and i split was dangerous for everyone. i couldn't lead him on any more and treat him like the dirt on the bottom of my shoe - he meant too much to me.

just then my phone began to vibrate notifying me that i was receiving a call. i glanced over to see who was ringing me and saw that it was joe.

i took a deep breath, mentally preparing myself for what he was about to say, hoping and praying that it wasn't about my recent post.

"hello?" i answer the call, awaiting to hear what this conversation would entail.

"hey vi, you okay?" his voice was so calming and it was soothing the initial panic i had about this conversation.

"yeah, i'm alright thanks, you?" i reply, my voice not sounding as convincing as i'd hoped.

"yeah, okay, thanks. i think we need to talk..."

my heart plummeted to the pit of my stomach, that panicky feeling gushing over me once again. "...okay..."

"it's just- i know that we're- i mean, you know we're not-"

"just spit it out, joe," i almost laugh at how much worse he was making it for the both of us.

"can i ask what's going on with you and harry? because i know you're just really close friends, but it's just ever since... you know... the break, you seem closer, which is understandable, but i just, i feel like we need to clear everything up. i know we're going with the flow and whatnot, but does harry think there's potential for you two? i just don't know what to think..." joe finally fumbles his words out.

i take a deep breath, trying to think of the right thing to say back to him but they were all jumbled up inside of my brain. "we're just friends, joe. always have been, always will be...  obviously he has family over in london too so he came back with me and was there when charl-... my mum, was tearing shit up, like it's nothing. not anymore."

"what do you mean not anymore?" he sounded skeptical.

"just not like we used to be, you know..."

"i get that, but it's just your instagram post... you care about him a lot and i just don't know which way it's in..."

"in a totally platonic way joe, were just friends."

"yeah, you keep saying that but when nat tells me you went over to his the other night i don't really know what to think."

thanks, nat...

"fine, you want the truth?" i raise my voice a little, irritated that i even have to explain myself when we weren't even dating. "we both got pissed and were playing drinking games and we made out and that's it. when we were like 17 or 18 we used to mess around because we were young and he was famous and it was all fun and games but now i'm stupidly in love with you and it sucks. everything sucks because you're the only guy i've ever loved and i can't even make it work with you."

"you kissed him?"

"it was only a kiss." i didn't see what the big deal was?

"wow. okay. i guess, you do you, vi."

"wait, what?" was that seriously what he was focusing on? i just poured my heart out to him?

"i can't make you do anything i just thought you were serious about fixing things between us."

"i am, none of that's changed. i went to his a few days after the whole timothée thing happened, before we went for that meal." i try and explain.

"nah it's fine, you do whatever." he nonchalantly replies, acting as if he didn't give a shit.

"what's your problem, you're telling me you didn't jump straight into june's bed after breaking up with me? you could've just waited until i cleared my head, my father was on his death bed and my psycho mother was threatening to take my little brother away from us, what the hell?!"

"stop using everything else to excuse yourself, just admit you're in the wrong for once! you broke up with me, violet. you ended things so out of the blue without an explanation-"

"you didn't let me explain myself!" i shout, cutting him off.

"can you blame me when i'm being dumped over the phone?!"

"man, you're unbelievable, you know that? i'm so done with you." i sharply answer, not even contemplating the repercussions of my actions.

"promise?" he quickly snaps back. 

"you're such a cunt." i shake my head in shock at him, not feeling an ounce of regret of my foul language.

" i learned from the best then, didn't i?" he venomously snaps back, so much so that i could even feel the sting of his wrath.

i end the call with tears, heartbroken over our argument i was nowhere near anticipating. i didn't know what to do with myself.. i half expected joe to call me up and ask where we should go for food, not this shit show.

i felt so alone, like i had no one at all and all i had to blame was myself.