Posted Five Minutes Ago [TreeBros/Cevan]

~Open and Honest~

Connor's POV 

It was now February. Exactly a month since Evan and I spoke to one another with our real voices. We still used emails as a primary form of communication, but at least once a week we'd find time to call. 

The first time we spoke felt odd, but not in a bad way. I suppose it was strange hearing an actual human being responding to me with the same phrases and words which had only been written to me before, but it felt odd primarily because I felt as though I'd heard his voice before. Recently, too. He probably just sounds similar to someone I know, and I can't shake the feeling that they're similar because I can't see his face. Perhaps if I knew what he looked like, he'd sound completely different in my head. His accent is pretty much the complete opposite of mine which I think shows he's from a entirely different part of the country. He pronounces each letter with care, and there's a sharp distinction between each word. He sometimes get's a little flustered and stumbles over his words, but his voice still sounds gentle. My accent is pretty lazy and sometimes words can blur into one another. 

I liked listening to his voice. 

"Hey, Connor?" Evan said suddenly, removing my attention from the image I was drawing and returning it back to our conversation. 

"Yeah?"

"I think I'm going to have to go for tonight. We'll talk again soon, though."

"Okay, no problem." I pick up my phone that was previously wresting on my desk. "Before you go, have you eaten today?" 

There's a moment of silence, before Evan quietly responds with a no. 

"My brain's so full of this other information, I guess I forgot," he adds. He seemed taken aback by the fact he'd forgotten, but this isn't the first time we've had a conversation like this. It 

"You could make something up quickly, or grab an apple?" I suggest. 

"Okay," He hums sweetly, before saying his goodbyes and hanging up the phone. I stretch my arms out infront of me, cracking my fingers and yawning. The glow of my computer monitor stung my tired eyes the more I looked at it, so I saved the drawing and moved from my desk to my bed. 

~

I don't really tell Evan very much about myself when we talk, whether it be on the phone or through email. I like to focus on him, asking about his day and such. He does try and ask, but it feels weird talking about myself. It makes me feel oddly guilty, though. Like, he tells me about these deeply personal things which he finds are difficult to put into words, and I don't share the same amount of vulnerability. I want to be more honest with him, but it's difficult.

I glance out the window. It's pretty much completely black, with a weak streetlight struggling to stay relevant against the night as it flickers slightly. I keep thinking back to the night I found Evan's blog, which was pretty similar. I was alone in the house- a rare occurrence since my mother didn't have a job and my sister just liked hanging in her room more than going out in the evening. We had been back at school for just a couple of weeks since the winter holiday, and the bad time I had over Christmas ended with an even worse time at school. Nothing was going right, the ambient feeling of nothingness had mutated into anger, sadness and hopelessness. My family were constantly irritated by me, my friends had moved on with new friends, and I was alone. 

My mind seemed to go fuzzy, my hearing muffled. The only thing clear to me in that moment was that I didn't want to be there. Leaving school seemed so far away, feeling better seemed impossible and I was ready to give up. I had moved over to my computer, opening a browser and searching keywords to try and find the quickest and easiest way to end it all for me. This wasn't the first time I had made a search like this, but I had taken a while with it and managed to talk myself out of it last time. Telling myself that my parents were home and they'd hear, and that it still could get better. As a result, I had put myself through another few months of hurt. I was determined to not make the same mistake. 

From what I can remember (despite only being around a year ago, my memory of the day isn't clear) one of Evan's posts appeared next to one I was reading, and my eyes started to drift over to it. It wasn't one of those cliche 'it'll get better, you just have to believe' posts.  It was bittersweet, a mostly anonymous person on the internet telling them self that, yes, everything sucks, and it might always suck. And he might go on to be eighty and still feel shitty, but there's no guarantee that it won't be shitty afterwards if he was to give up then, and at least right now he was feeling shitty in an environment he was mostly comfortable with. 

'I don't know what happens after death. I just know I can't guarantee it's any better. It could be a lot worse,' it had read, which thinking about it, is a sad way to justify staying alive. But it worked. I kept reading his posts, and even though the thoughts I was having didn't just disappear, they were starting to get drowned out by the carefully crafted, reassuring words of Evan. He seemed to be going through a lot of the exact same stuff as me at the same time. Maybe I wasn't a freak for being like I am. 

~

My phone vibrated against my mattress creating a quiet, but deep rumbling sound which brought me back to the present day. Unlocking the screen, I headed straight for my emails and just as I had thought, Evan had sent me a message.

Dear Connor, 

 Here's some of the notes I made during our call for you to revise off of.  Ignore the big pink mark on the diagram- I didn't realise the highlighter ink was still wet and I kind of spread it around a bit. Thanks for the help, by the way. It's crazy how good you are at physics. How can you just look at an equation or a diagram and just know what it means? What's that like?

I hope you have a nice night! I'm going to head to bed early. You should go to sleep soon, too :)

Sincerely, Evan.

I smile, opening the attachments to see several images of neat, colour coordinated notes for some of the subjects we talked about, including a spider diagram on required practicals with a great pink smudge in the bottom right. He also included a photo of his his hand, the side of which is covered in the same pink ink. 

Dear Evan,

Thanks for sending me the notes. I'm not really as good as you think. I know some things and it's not super complicated to me, but I'm, not going to lie, I did google other things in our call so I could seem smarter to you. 

Thanks, I hope you have a nice night too. And I think I will :) 

Sincerely, Connor.