annihilated. /mcr fanfic (pt. 2 of resurrected, completed)

chapter two

it was just after 8pm. i was sitting at the register in the bodega, scrolling through my phone. if tony checked the cameras and caught me not working, that would just be too bad. everything is stocked, rotated, and pulled forward. the floors were mopped and the coffee maker was cleaned out and ready for the morning. every surface and window was spotless. and therefore i, whether tony liked it or not, was going to scroll through an instagram feed of skinny girls in between customers.
i did this for a while. i had four hours to kill.
one girl i had been following for a while was going on about her recent engagement and how she couldnt eat because all she could think of was how she fit into her first round of wedding dresses. i swiped through the photos she took of herself in them. i actually saved them, because although i dont fuck with the idea of marriage, i would really like to look this good in a dress, should that day ever come.
a customer walked in, so i put my phone down. he asked for a pack of marlboro menthols, i traded him for the price, and he left. and i went back to scrolling.
there was a new post from @ getting_there. i hadnt seen one from him since i was still with gerard.
it was a photo taken from tumblr or google or whatever, a picture of broken glass. the caption read: things are falling apart hard and fast. all of a sudden my parents are getting involved. any tips on getting them to fuck off?
i thought about messaging him. for the time being, i decided not to. i decided to try and leave that door wide open, though. i wanted to test the waters, maybe he would message me first.
i posted a photo of my own, captioned "havent eaten in 36 hours, going to try to make it to 48. its hard with my new job though. the candy rack by the door has been staring at me all fucking night."
i waited. i scrolled. i refreshed my messages every minute or two. nothing.
customers floated in and out, mostly alcohol after 9:30. it would be alcohol and cigarettes only until 12am, with the occasional candy bar.
12 am came around. i closed up shop, put the money in the safe and pulled the cover down over the store front. i headed down the block back to the apartment.
from what i could tell, the lights werent on, so rob and my mom were probably asleep, or at least they would pretend to be after i opened the front door. perfect.
i smoked a bowl on my way to the stoop. it was a little windy, but i could make it work. the air wasn't so sticky with humidity now that the sun was down. it was still warm, though.

when i got up to my room, quietly the whole way, i closed the door and sat on my bed next to the big, needy, fluffy theo. i pet him absentmindedly as i kicked off my shoes and checked my phone.
12:15. no messages.
fuck it.
i went to @ getting_there's profile and selected "send a message".
but i didnt know what to say. what could be said?
other than "hey."... which is what i decided to send.
i had to put my phone down and walk away. i stood and got ready for bed. brushed my teeth, went to the bathroom, took the scale from my old hiding spot (linen closet, underneath all the pads and tampons my mom doesnt need to even look at anymore) and i stepped on.
117.
i stepped off.
i stepped on.
116.7
i stepped off.
i stepped on.
117.
i stepped off. i put it back where i got it from.
i went back to my room and changed out of my work clothes and into just a tank top and my underwear. i was stalling. i pulled my long, thick hair into a big brown bun on the top of my head. i paced for a moment.
then i sat down on the edge of my bed and checked my phone. he must have messaged me back the moment he received the message.
@ getting_there: hey.
i looked up from my phone. now what?
@ bodegacat: how have you been?
i laid down on my bed. theo got up, ready to snuggle up beside me no matter how much of this bed i take up.
it had been about two weeks since gerard had broken up with me. i spent a lot of time in my room after that, letting my hair knot together and watching my skin pull tighter around my hips and thighs. andy had given me a lot of space for a bit while he tried to coax my mom into taking on this huge responsibility of housing me. i dont see what the big deal is- i cant be that big of a burden. i dont eat much food, i dont make a lot of noise, and i dont trash the place. im just as friendly as the mouse who's chewed a tiny home into the wall, with no friends to fuck, no babies to have. totally harmless.
@ getting_there: ive been better.
what about you?
@ bodegacat: same.
i miss hanging out with you.
@ getting_there: me too. where have you been? i came over the other day to track a single with andy. i asked where you were and he just said you werent around.
@ bodegacat: he fuckin sent me to live with my mom. im in the city now, near the university.
@ getting_there: shit that sucks. im sorry to hear that. gerard has been giving me similar threats.
@ bodegacat: i wouldnt recommend this to anyone. especially to someone who smokes as much as you do.
@ getting_there: lol yeah my mom wouldnt put up with that.
we should hang out soon.
i could come to the city

i was kind of surprised at this message. i thought mikey had just wiped me from his memory this whole time- it turns out, he must have been just as shy as i have been. and unsure, maybe.
@ bodegacat: i would LOVE that. i work 5pm-12 most days, but i usually have fridays and sundays off.
@ getting_there: perfect, i could come this friday if you want. my friend works at the vegan pizza place, we could get a sweet lil discount
i saw you went vegan recently
@ bodegacat: yes! haha i love that place. that would be perfect.
@ getting_there: awesome, friday it is
@ bodegacat: perfect ❤️

when i woke up the next morning, my mom had me do a surprise weigh in. this is where the water bottle under my bed comes in handy. i can chug more than half of those one liter boys in twenty seconds.
she always has me step on without any socks, so i cant do the quarters trick.
i head into the bathroom and she sets down her own secret scale. i havent found her hiding spot yet, but im not necessarily looking for it.
i step on.
119.
i step off.
she stands still for a moment. "one more time."
i step back on.
118.5
i step off.
"okay. not bad," she says as she bends down and picks up the scale. "i have a few things out on the table for breakfast, but don't eat until i come down."
hm, she must have figured that one out already, just after a month of my living here. okay. i can play this game just like any other.
thats all this house has boiled down to. i play these absurd games in order to keep a roof over my head, all while remaining small enough to keep the suicidal thoughts from digging in too deep.
i will not let her make me fat.
i will not let anyone make me fat.
it was only 5 am, but thats what time you wake up to shove a meal replacement down your gullet in front of your teacher-mother before she heads off to school. she has me take the train in with her every day, so im with her for a full hour after eating. after that, though, i can god damn walk home if thats how i want to burn the calories off. i can run home. i can run for a few hours if thats what i want to do, jane, and no amount of hovering is going to keep me from staying thin.
this is my game, and these are my rules.
you may have been coerced to play ball, but now that we're playing, i'm going to win.