annihilated. /mcr fanfic (pt. 2 of resurrected, completed)

chapter ten

when I woke up, Rachel wasn't in the room. she was supposed to be leaving at some point today. her stuff was still in the room, though.

I sat up in bed and went over the previous night in my mind again. right. okay, I told Mikey I loved him in the middle of the night. almost forgot about that one.

after I brushed my teeth and got dressed, I went out in the hallway. it took maybe five wake-up calls from the nurse before I actually got out of bed. this meant I was only five minutes late to breakfast. before I walked to the lunch room, I checked the isolation room. Mikey wasn't in there.

in the lunch room, the mood was significantly less tense than it was the night before. it was a brand new day. the sun was shining, there was Cocoa Puffs and no broken trays or spilled food on the floor or walls. Mikey was sitting in his usual spot, calmly chewing up his breakfast. Rachel wasn't anywhere to be seen.

after I got my bowl of Cocoa Puffs, I sat across from Mikey. he looked up at me in a shy way.

"I'm sorry about freaking out last night," he said with a deep sigh. "I was overwhelmed and confused."

I nodded. "it's okay."

we were both silent for a few minutes, staring into our bowls of dry cereal. neither of us liked milk.

"did you mean what you said? or did you mean it like you always meant it?" he finally asked.

"no, I mean it different this time, I think," I said, figuring this out as I spoke.

"you think?" he repeated.

I nodded, looking out the windows. "I think I know."

he smiled a little. "you think you know."

"yeah, I think I know. do you?"

he nodded. "I know."

I smiled and rested my chin on my hand. "so what does that mean?"

"two crazy people like us?" he shook his head. "is it a good idea?"

"since when do I know what a good idea is? do you think I am the way I am because I have 'good ideas'?" I laughed.

he laughed, too. "you're right." he shrugged. "okay. I don't know that Gerard will be too thrilled-"

"fuck what Gerard thinks," I interjected. "if you want to be with me, fine. if you don't want to be with me, fine. Gerard has nothing to do with it."

he nodded and put his spoon down. his bowl was empty. "well, okay. how about I take you out tonight?"

I raised an eyebrow. "out?"

he nodded. "there's this really nice place around here. why don't you meet me on the couch at 4:59?"

I rolled my eyes. he was asking me out to eat in the cafeteria with him. "yeah, whatever."

"no, really. this is the best spot in town. i'm serious. some people make reservations months in advance just to get in," he said with a grin.

I laughed. "sure, whatever. I'm in."

I sat on my bed as Rachel got ready to leave. she was heading out during quiet time. usually I would spend this time sitting on the floor of the shower while the water was turned up to 'fires of hell', but I figured I'd wait and give Rachel a proper goodbye.

she didn't really want to say anything to me, though. so she didn't. she packed her stuff and left without a word in the whole ten minute ordeal.

she must have had her hunch.

the lead daytime therapist called me into the day room to discuss my feelings about my medication change after being informed of my reaction the night before. I decided to be open and honest for once in my fucking life.

"I don't want to let go of klonapin. it's always been there for me," I confided. I thought maybe this honesty would get me somewhere.

she nodded and her beautiful, soft brown curls shook with the motion. "but you now see the physical affects it takes on the body, right? headaches, nausea, chest discomfort, irritability," she flipped through my folder. "chills, shaking, depression, difficulty breathing..."

I shrugged. "does that all relate to withdrawal?"

she nodded. "it's a depressant. long term use, and especially abuse, can cause issues with the respiratory system, which is why you feel like it's hard to breathe even now that you're taking less."

I took it in. "okay. well, I didn't really think about the effects. I didn't think I would live long enough to deal with them."

"well you did, and you are," she stated. "you've gotten this far. going back to klonapin would be like ripping half the bandaid off, sticking it back on, and waiting to deal with the pain again later. you have to keep going."

"but do I have to?"

she looked at me for a moment. "well, no. you don't have to. but I don't think you're happy with the way you're living right now."

I let that sink in for a bit. "no, I'm not."

"you could always just try being sober for a few months and see where that takes you. you don't have to decide today to be clean every day for the rest of your life. guarantee yourself the opportunity to see what it's like to live sober. you might fall in love with living."