annihilated. /mcr fanfic (pt. 2 of resurrected, completed)

chapter five

it was the one year anniversary of max's death.

one year ago today, I woke up to a text asking for me to call him. I sat up in my bed and called, but my call was left unanswered and sent to voicemail. I called again, but nothing. it was around 10am, so I assumed he had been asleep. the text was sent around 2 am, so he must have been up late. it was a few hours later that his room mate called me from his phone. when I picked up he quickly said from the other line, "Annie, he's gone, I'm being questioned by police, they did CPR, he isn't coming back, he's gone."

but today, I don't have any messages on my phone from anyone. there were so many people who said they would be here for me after he died. where are they now?

I got out of bed. the sun was just coming up. I had to go to work with my mom today.

she caught me in the hallway. "hey, honey," she said quietly, sweetly. she walked over to me and gave me a loose hug. "you can go back to bed, you don't have to come with me on the train today."

my shoulders dropped and I could breathe. I was relieved. I nodded and went back into my room, back to bed.

and I slept for ten more hours.

when I got out of bed for the second time, it was 3pm. this time I did have one message, from Andy.

"hey Annie, I know today is going to be tough for you. I'm here, call me if you need me."

I went into my desk and got my bowl, filled it up, and smoked it out of my window. I took three times the amount of klonapin that I usually would take.

I was supposed to be at work in three hours.

I went into the bathroom and started to fill the bath tub with hot water. I sat in the steaming tub until I heard the door open downstairs. it must have been at least an hour.

when I stood up in the drained tub, my vision went a little fuzzy. I sat on the edge until I was good to get moving again.

I realized it must have been two days since I last ate. it's fine, I didn't need to eat today. i wasn't ever going to have to worry about eating again.

in my room, I picked carefully through my clothes. I picked out a pair of black leggings, my favorite dark striped shirt, and a thick sweater. I put a pair of socks on as I sat on the floor. the socks alone must have taken ten minutes.

my mom opened my bedroom door to find me still sitting there.

"hey honey," she said quietly. "how are you holding up?"

"good," I said over my shoulder, not quite looking at her. "I'm just getting ready for work."

"you still have a few hours to go, right? why don't you come downstairs and watch a movie with us before you go?" she offered. kindness was common from my mother, but this was way more than I've ever received. I agreed to. I could at least give her one last happy moment before I leave. I could do that for her.

so we sat downstairs, the three of us, in front of the TV. Rob was in his typical spot on the couch, the far right. my mom sat between the two of us. we watched one of my favorite movies of all time- the shining. we all sat quietly through the movie, and I was struggling to stay awake through it.

by the time it was over, it was almost time for me to get my ass in gear. I went up to my room and counted my remaining klonapin. I had ten left.

I put the bottle in between my hip and pants. it was concealed under my sweater. I went downstairs and said bye to rob and Jane. I went to work to let the cashier off for the day. after about an hour of fighting sleep at the register, I closed everything up. I took a bottle of water and locked the door behind me.

the sun was starting to go down now. as I walked, I took each pill with a sip of water. once all the pills were down the gullet, I tossed the water bottle into a trash can, though it was only half empty. I walked slowly to the pier, taking as much time as I wanted to. I looked all around me at the people walking with their suitcases and purses and groceries and dogs and babies. life continued to move for them, and they moved with it. I was tired of moving.

when I got to the bridge, the sun had set. there were still people here and there, but I knew if I focused and tried to get over the fence quickly, I could hop over before anyone even looked. I had absolute faith that I could do this. it wasn't going to be like last time.

I sat for a moment first, just to rest from the walk and gather my energy. I looked out at the water.

I remembered the time that Gerard took me to one of his "secret" spots in the woods. there was an area where the creek went real deep, and he swam there frequently when he was younger. that day we swam until the sun went down and we could hardly see as we used maps on his phone to get us back to the street. when we got back to his car, absolutely relieved, we sank into the seats. I looked over at him. he had a lazy smile on his face.

"what?" I said quietly, lifting my head.

"I'm totally in love with you," he said, using the 'love' word for the first time.

blood rushed to my cheeks and I looked away. I nodded and made eye contact again. "I think I'm in love with you, too."

he grinned and kissed me. "do you love me or do you think you love me?"

he held my face close to his. I kissed him, then said, "I know it."

I wanted so badly to be back in his car, or his couch, or his bed, or his arms. I didn't want to be alone anymore.

but I wouldn't be alone anymore. and if I was, I wouldn't feel that way soon.

I checked my phone. it was 10pm. I had five missed calls from rob, ten missed calls from my mom, and a missed call from Andy. I saw ten total missed texts, but I didn't bother opening any of them. I didn't want to feel worse.

I set my phone down on the ground and stood up. I left the pill bottle next to my phone. as I looked around, no one was really out here with me. just passing cars and a few scattered people further away.

I slipped my shoes and socks off. a cool breeze immediately chilled my bare feet. I took a deep breath and eyed up the fence. my lungs felt like I had to force them to take air in and let it out. it was tiring to continue with all of this living nonsense, but my lungs were the most worn out at that moment. I was almost falling asleep standing there. I had to get this over with.

I looked around. I had time.

I carefully hopped onto the ledge, then all at once, scrambled quickly to throw myself over.

"hey!" I heard from a distance. "hey, stop!"

I could hear foot steps getting closer. a few cars honked their horns. another voice shouted, "hey!!"

just as I left off the top, the fence was shaken by a person behind me. the person screamed for someone to call 911, and I plunged into the dark water. It was so cold, just like I remembered. as I waved my arms in order to push myself further and further down, it became harder to keep moving my arms. they were tensing and freezing up in the cold.

and on this night, in this dark and cold place, I was ready to go. I was ready to feel peace. it was going to work out this time. I was ready for the flames of hell to lick at my sides, to warm me up from my cold nap.