84 ish Days
I woke up today at around 8 and sat for a while not knowing what to do or who to message... I honestly just felt done... but free. Like I had some cruel way to move forwards but anyway... I sent a bunch of slightly drunk texts to my ex last night and this morning I got a call from her dad... well I hung up and carried on with my day. I also got a message from my bby ☺️ we had a kind of joint breakdown last night and it was rough but now things are looking clearer again.
So I guess in a diary I'm supposed to write everything that happens and how I feel about it and how I feel in general.
After the call from my ex's dad I was terrified I mean I had a million thoughts rushing through my head in fear of what he could do... I blocked her on everything and just pretended it didn't happen but it's still playing on my mind. He didn't sound angry... more like he just wanted to talk about what I'd sent the night before. I guess maybe I should have stayed to talk but I'm too much of a coward for that. I didn't want to cause any trouble I just wanted a friend so if it's going to be hassle like that then I might as well not bother.
As for the breakdown/argument... I'm still worried about what that could bring around but I have hope that people will say the right things and be understanding about the situation and no one will get harmed and today is a fresh start. The messages this morning kinda helped me to stay sane. It felt good to finally word things so simply and get a simple answer and whilst yes the situation is crazy and confusing. There's so much hope for us now! So much hope and it makes me feel warm. So after that I sat reading my old stories on here and thought I should carry on writing them! I don't know which one I'd want to continue though... hmmm... I read my bby's story too and it's cute and I want it to carry on or maybe she should start writing a new one ☺️
Then I sat and thought about her for a while with YouTube in the background. I just sat and went through all the old memories trying to motivate myself to eat... and despite the stress sickness, I took those memories and I used them to force myself to eat something and it helped... I've drunk a lot today probably because of the heat but at least I'm staying hydrated... Then I tried to find the motivation to carry on with my music or YouTube but I'm struggling with that right now... without a boost of motivation or self esteem... I'm not sure if I can carry on just yet.
The lens mount for my new camera came today and my green screen is arriving today! Now all I need is the lens and I have everything. It's just a case of moving around my room to get some space and set up my room as a music and video studio... I'm excited for that. Then I can start doing more professional looking videos and I can finally start to promote my music and if that does well then my god... I am mere months away from the start of my dream career!
I'm so excited for that!
Other than that... I pissed about on Mario for a bit and then charged up my old android to download the video from the gig and get the old storylines back for the two stories I have on here... I can't wait to start writing them both again... who knows... I might be able to do something with them eventually ☺️
I feel warm right now... knowing my bby is out there having an amazing time and hopefully not thinking about the situation too much... I feel warm knowing she's safe and knowing that it won't be long before she can be safe in my arms again... I'm not giving up on her... ever!
My love is unconditional and unfaltering and unbreakable... I hope she finds something she's really passionate about and just does it... she needs to do more stuff like that... she's taught me so much about myself... how to forgive myself... how to love myself, how to motivate myself and feel good about my body and take chances on my appearance and be kinder and be more fearless... she has taught me so much and I look forwards to learning more everyday
Whilst I was out the other day, I started singing to myself and decided that I need to start writing a new album... I'll probably post updates on the writing process here on the diary entries which will be sweet!
I'll post a picture of my room once we've moved everything around and set up the green screen! I am really excited about getting that done.. Once it's done ill be much more motivated to work!
